No matter what
by TheWhiteCrayon
Summary: When Sam's twinsister Melanie dies, their mother begins to drink heavily. Sam moves out. She dedides that true family has nothing to do with blood, or being related. Family, she finds, is just another word for love. Samcentric.
1. Tears in my heart

**So, I have been wanting to do an Icarly-fic for a while. I got this idea a little while ago, and I suddenly just decided to start writing it. I hope you'll like it!**

disclaimer; I do not own iCarly.

No matter what

 _Family isn't always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to make you smile & who will love you no matter what._

 _~Author Unknown_

 **Chapter 1.** –Tears in my heart

 _I am not crying, but have tears in my heart._

 _~Vaslav Nijinsky_

I was looking down at my black, elegant heels. Well, they weren't exactly mine. I'd borrowed them from Carly, along with the little black dress. I didn't own anything suitable myself. I looked to my side. My mom hadn't tried at all to look even a little bit proper. Her black skirt was way too short for a funeral.

Especially when it came to your daughter's.

I tried to mind whatever the priest was saying, but I couldn't concentrate. All I saw was the white coffin standing next to him, which I knew was holding Melanie's lifeless body.

She wasn't supposed to be in there.

It was my first time ever to be in a church. And I was pretty sure my mom had never set a foot in one either. I didn't know why we were here now, but my mom had insisted on it. And for once, I hadn't had the strength to argue with her.

It was like all of the energy had been sucked out of my body, ever since Melanie was gone. I couldn't even find the energy to cry. I didn't have to look sideways to know my mom wasn't crying either. And I hated the both of us for that. Melanie deserved so much better.

I looked at Carly. Her eyes were red from crying, and she was wiping away her tears with a soaking wet tissue. That was what Melanie deserved. People who cared for her; cried for her.

I cursed myself for looking so damned unaffected.

I looked at the coffin again. Carly helped me pick it out. It was a plane, but elegant, white one, and it was decorated with red roses. I knew Melanie would have found it beautiful. She loved roses.

The rest of the funeral had all been my mom's decision. I hated how over the top it was. There were too many decorations. Too many flowers. Too many people.

Too many witnesses of how bad we handled this grieving.

I was sitting on the front row, between Carly and Spencer. My mom was sitting on the other side of Carly. To most people, it must've seemed odd for me and my mom not to be sitting next to each other on a day like this. But to me it wasn't.

Melanie had always been the one keeping our messed up little family together. Now that she was gone, I wasn't even sure if that family still existed.

Maybe it'd died with her.

Everything happened in a blur. Four men in black lifted the white coffin, and carried it outside. My mom, Carly, Spencer, Freddie and I all stood up and walked behind them, and everyone else came after us. Carly grabbed my hand and squeezed it, as we were slowly heading outside.

I didn't want to look as the coffin was gently being placed in the earth. I closed my eyes while it sank away into the ground, deeper and deeper. I bald my fists and bit my lip till I tasted blood.

I shook my head. I couldn't watch it anymore. I turned around, and began running, pushing everyone in my way aside. I thought I heard someone shouting my name, but I didn't care, and I didn't go back. I had no idea where I was going, but I needed to get out of here. Now.

I ran across the graveyard, and finally hid somewhere between the tombstones. I buried my face in my hands, and tried to cry. But I still couldn't do it. I concentrated on my breathing, till the fog that had been blurring my brains finally cleared –a little.

"Hey." Spencer sat down beside me. I didn't say anything. "What was that all about?" his voice wasn't angry. It sounded worried. "I'm sorry." I whispered. "That's okay." He assured me. "I think I understand."

I was silent. "How are you?" he asked. I shrugged. I wasn't really sure how I felt. "I really want to go home." I whispered. He nodded. "I think your mom is going to want to stay here for a while." He said. "But I'll take you. You want to go to my place or your place?"

"Your place." I said without a doubt. "Okay, I'll be right back." Spencer said. "I'm just going to tell Carly where we are, and ask if she and my dad can ride home with Freddie and his mom." He paused. "I'll ask your mom when she's going to pick you up."

"No." I said. "Sam…" he started. "You know you're welcome at Spencer's anytime. But, don't you think that you should be with your mom right now?" he asked. "No." I said again.

He sighed. "Okay then. I'm not going to argue with you right now. You can stay with us, at least for tonight. But we're not done talking about this." He stood up, and walked away.

It had been almost a year since Carly had moved to Italy with her dad, but I still practically lived at Spencer's. Every now and then I still slept at my mom's, but, generally, I was barely ever around –let alone did I actually speak to her or anything.

After a few minutes Spencer returned. "Okay, kid, let's go." He said. I got up, wiped some dirt of my dress, and walked to the car. Spencer held the door open, but I yanked the handle away. "I'm perfectly capable of opening my own doors, Shay." I said.

Spencer smiled. "Course you are, Puckett, course you are."

We drove the ride home in silence, which I appreciated. He parked the car in the garage of the o so familiar building, and I got out immediately. "Yo, hold that elevator!" I yelled at some people, who were just about to close the door.

They did not listen. "Bastards!" I screamed, just before the doors closed in my face. Spencer laid his hand on my shoulder. "Sooo… We're waiting for the next elevator?" he chuckled. "I hate people." I growled.

"Come on, you don't hate all people." Spencer said. "No, that's right." I said. "I'm pretty okay myself." We both laughed about the stupid joke that wasn't even funny. But it felt good to laugh anyway, even if I didn't feel like laughing.

Even if I felt hollow and I didn't think it would ever get any better. Even if my heart was shattered to thousands of little pieces.

I wasn't happy. But maybe if I kept pretending I was, I'd end up believing it myself.

 **Okay, what did you think?**

 **This will be a multiple chapter fic, probably like 15-20 chapters. It's probably going to be a while before I'll post a new chapter tough. I'm going on vacation in two days, which means that I'll have NO internet for a week. I wrote this yesterday, and I actually wanted to wait untill after my vacation to post this, but I just couldn't wait. So now you'll have to wait. :) Sorry.**

 **BUT, I'll be back on monday the twentyseventh, and I promise to post a new chapter right that same day. After that, I'll try to update every day, possible every other day.**

 **This also means that if you review, I might not be able to reply a thank you right away, like I usually do. But know that I always appreciate them and I'll read them as soon as I have internet again.**

 **Okay, I'm going to stop writing (and probably boring you) now. Thank you for reading this story!**


	2. The mind replays

**Hey, I'm back from my vacation! And on with the story ;)**

 **But, first, I really want to thank everybody who's followed, favorited, reviewed or even just read this story. I really appreciate you all ^^**

 **Chapter 2.** –The mind replays

 _The mind replays what the heart can't delete._

 _~Author Unknown_

I was sitting on Carly's bed, my feet sprawled over her blanket. I had exchanged my tight black dress for a baby-blue robe, covered in bright-purple polka dots. It was obviously Carly's.

I had told Spencer I was going to take a nap, but I knew there was no way I could sleep right now. I was too anxious to sleep –too shaky. But I just couldn't face any company right now. Not even Spencer's.

So I just lay there in the dark, alone. Spencer offered to make me something to eat, but I'd refused. For the first time in my life, I just wasn't hungry. I'd hardly eaten anything all week. Every time I'd even look at food, I'd feel a knot tying my stomach, threatening to launch back up every bite of food I'd send down.

I heard somebody knocking my door. I rolled over, trying to pretend I was asleep. The door shrieked open. "Sam?" It was Carly. She closed the door, and I heard her footsteps coming closer. I squeezed my eyes shut.

"Sam, I know you're not asleep, stop pretending you are." I opened my eyes. "How did you know?" I asked with a thick voice. Carly smiled. "Come on Sam, we've been friends long enough for me to know when you're asleep and when you're faking it. Give me some credit!"

Her expression got serious again. "Sam, if you don't want to talk right now, I understand, just say so. And if you want me to go, just tell me, I'll go." I sighed. "I don't want to talk about it." I said. "But… you also don't need to go."

Her eyes smiled. "Then move over, already." She teased. She slid into the bed with me, and I crawled onto her frame. She wrapped her arms around me. "Sam?" I didn't respond. "I love you." She whispered.

I closed my eyes. "I love you too, Carly." I snuggled closer to her, and drifted further and further away. And beyond all expectations, it didn't take long at all before my breathing steadied, and sleep took over.

 _It was late at night and I was just getting ready for bed, when I heard my mom opening the door downstairs. "Why officer! Won't you come in?" My mom said in a flirty tone. I pricked my ears. Officer? What was the police doing here?_

 _I ran through my week. Nope, I hadn't done anything illegal. Well… Nothing so illegal it required a police visit. They had to be here for my mom then. I wondered what she'd done this time. I went to sit on top of the stairs, trying to overhear their conversation._

 _"_ _No!" my mom suddenly yelled. "No! It's not true, you're lying!" I flew down the stairs, and yanked the door open. My mom was sitting on the ground, her head in her hands. A fairly-well-handsome police officer stood in the middle of the room._

 _"_ _What's going on here?" I demanded. "Hello, miss…" he questioned. "Sam." I said impatiently. "Her daughter." I pointed at my mom to clear myself. "Miss Puckett, Sam, why don't you sit down for a moment." He suggested._

 _"_ _Dude, seriously, start talking already!" I really started to lose my patient. The man sighed. "Miss Puckett, I am sorry to have to inform you that your sister, Melanie Grace Puckett, was in a fatal car accident earlier this night."_

 _At that moment, everything stopped. My heart stopped beating, my lungs stopped breathing, and the world stopped spinning. Melanie. My legs buckled, and I fell down on my knees. "Melanie." I whispered._

 _And just as quick as it had stopped, everything began working again. The world started spinning again –faster than before, as if it was trying to make up for the wasted time, when it hadn't moved. My heart began beating again, too. Faster and faster. Just like my breathing. As if everything was trying to catch up with time again._

 _I closed my eyes, trying to escape the spinning, and the dizziness it caused. "Sam? Sam, breathe slowly! Sam?" A familiar voice that I couldn't quite place tried to bring me back to earth. But I just couldn't. I kept drifting further and further away, into the darkness._

 _"_ _Melanie!" I tried to scream, but I couldn't._ In the memory, I couldn't. My voice hadn't been there, at the time. But my voice was back, now. And I screamed my lungs out. "Melanie! Melanie!" I couldn't stop. Tears were streaming down my face, and breathing became impossible.

"Sam!" Someone screamed my name. "Sam, please wake up! Sam!" Carly panicked. "Carly." I didn't even realize I'd said that out loud. "Yes! Yes, Sam, it's me. Sam, breathe slowly. Please, try to breathe slowly."

I did what I was asked. Slowly, very slowly, I gained back the control over my breathing. And slowly, it became steady again. "O, Sammy…" Carly whispered. "Carly." I cried. "Carly, she's gone!" For the first time since Melanie's death, I found the ability to cry.

"I know Sam. I know." She whispered. I laid my head on her chest, and let the tears fall. "She's really gone, Carly." I said. It was as if now only I fully understood that –fully realized that.

Each time spoken, the words felt like a hard slap across my face. But I couldn't stop repeating them.

"Melanie is gone."


	3. Keep smiling and pretending

**Chapter 3.** –Keep smiling and pretending

 _Just keep smiling and pretending you're happy, then maybe after you've convinced everyone else that you are, you can convince yourself._

 _~Meggy Rose_

The next morning, I woke up early. Carly was still asleep, and in order not to wake her, I decided to get up. I slid out of bed, and soundlessly left the room. I checked the kitchen clock, and my eyes grew wide as I saw it was only seven AM. –I usually slept till noon if you'd let me.

I decided to make breakfast. Not because I was hungry, but just to do something. –Something normal. I cracked the eggs over a sizzling pan, and hummed a happy tune.

 _If I kept pretending I was happy, maybe I'd end up believing it myself._

"Sam?" Carly peaked her head around the corner. "Sam, I can't believe my eyes!" She came all the way out. I smiled. "So, you're up before me, and you're making breakfast? I must be dreaming!" She teased.

"Yeah, well, I was awake. And I was hungry." I said smiling. It wasn't entirely the truth, but Carly looked satisfied.

 _Pretend._

I turned the bacon, while Carly began setting the table. "Do you want to eat with just the two of us, or should I wake up Spencer and my dad?" Carly asked carefully. "No, you go ahead waking them, I'd like that." I said.

"So, where do you want to go today?" I asked. Carly looked at me surprised –no, suspicious. "Go somewhere?" She asked. "Well, yeah." I said. "I mean, it's not every day you and your dad are here in Seattle. And I'm still reported absent in school. So we might as well use the time."

Carly still didn't seem at ease. I sighed. "Look, Carly, I really don't want to think about this anymore. Not now, anyway. I just can't do it, I can't keep talking about it, remembering her…" I bit back my tears. "Right now, the best thing you could give me is distraction. I need to do something fun –something normal. Can you understand that?"

Carly's eyes had turned watery. This wasn't easy on her either. "I can." She said softly. "Just err… just know that if you do want to talk…" I cut her off. "I know. Thank you." The teakettle whistled. "I'll go get it." Carly said.

"Hey, do I smell bacon?" A sleepy Spencer-head suddenly appeared around the corner. I laughed. "You sure do! But you'd better hurry, I eat fast!" I threatened. Spencer looked surprised. "Well, I knew that much!" he said. "But I had no idea you were capable of getting out of bed before eight AM!"

"I'll go wake dad." Carly said. "And all this food had better still be here when I return!" She said before disappearing up the stairs. "No promises!" Spencer and I yelled in unison.

That morning, we all had breakfast in our pajamas. It was really cozy and fun, and when I laughed, I meant it.

But it didn't make the hollowness go away.

"So, Sam and I thought it might be fun to go somewhere today, do something fun." Carly said after a while. It suddenly became quiet at the table. "So, where would you like to go, dad?" Colonel Shay cleared his throat. "Well, I don't know, kids, you live here. Why don't you suggest something?"

"O, o! I know!" Carly squealed. "We could go to the Kerry Park! That's not too far away, and I love it there! I miss it, so much!" I laughed. "Well, you don't exactly live here, cupcake, but I suppose the Kerry Park is as good as any. What about the rest of you?" I asked.

"Yeah, Kerry Park is fine with me." Spencer said. His father nodded in agreement. "Well, the Kerry Park it is then!" Carly said enthusiastic. "Well then I have another idea." Colonel Shay suddenly said. "As I recall, the Kerry Park is not too far away from this famous restaurant… the space…"

"The space needle." I finished for him. "Right! Why don't we go eat there, my treat!" He said. "Well, I never was one to turn down free food!" I laughed. "Yeah, great dad! I'd love that!" Carly said. "Then that's settled." Colonel Shay grinned.

"It's only like eight thirty now, tough." Spencer said. "When do you all want to leave?" Carly leaned forwards. "Well, how about, I make a nice picnic, and then we leave in like two, three hours, to eat it at the park?" She said.

"More food! Sounds great to me." I said. That wasn't true. The food still tasted like nothing. But at least I could swallow it without getting sick again, and I saw that as progress.

"Okay then, then I'll go get dressed." Colonel Shay left the table. "I guess I'll go do the same." Carly said. "Me too, then, I guess." I sighed. We left for Carly's old room, the one I was using almost permanent now, leaving Spencer alone at the breakfast table.

"Spencer, can you clean the table?" Carly yawned. Spencer shrugged and sighed. "Yeah, sure." Previously, when Carly still lived here, I knew Spencer would have made a huge fuss about that. But, ever since Carly had left, he'd had to get used to doing those kind of things. Cause the only other person who (practically) lived in the apartment, was me. And I surely wasn't going to do it.

"Thanks Bro." Carly mumbled. She was still only half awake. She always pretended to be an early bird, but in reality, I knew she just had a very loud alarm clock. If you'd let her, she could sleep as long as me, easily. That's what made me wonder about this morning.

"Hey, Carly?" I asked. "Why were you awake so early this morning? You never are! Tell me you didn't set your alarm…" She shrugged. "Why were you?" She asked. We both kept silent. _This wasn't easy on her either._

"So, you want to like, watch a movie? I'll let you pick." I asked with my sweetest smile. I needed to keep busy. She snorted. "Sure I do!" She said. "Well then." I closed the zipper of my jeans. "What have you got?"

We spend the morning watching a dumb chick flick and fixing a giant picnic. I wondered if Carly knew she served as occupational therapy to me –if she knew I needed to keep busy, in order not to burst out in tears. I wondered if she knew how unhappy I really was. But if she did, she didn't show it.

Maybe she was part of it, the pretending. Two silent partners, living by an unspoken rule. Maybe if we both kept pretending, the happiness would return sooner.

And at this point, I was desperate enough to believe it.

 **And, what did you all think?**

 **This one was really a bit of a filling chapter, but I hope you liked it anyway. The next chapter will be more about Sam's mother, and why she hates her so much.**


	4. A broken family

**Chapter 4.** –A broken family

 _We're a broken family, aren't we?_

 _~From Lilo & Stitch_

Our long weekend together flew by with amazing speed. We spend it with all five of us, Freddie of course included, doing nothing but fun things. I could have had a wonderful time, if it hadn't been for Melanie's memory haunting me, everywhere I'd go.

Never the less, I was glad to have my best friend here with me. And I found myself constantly clinging on to her, wishing she'd never again leave my side. And so that last Sunday night before they left, arrived way too soon.

Late that night, after Carly and I had gone to bed, I found myself wide awake, unable to fall asleep. I listened to Carly's steady breathing, and made sure I wouldn't lose touch with her. It was nice to know she was there. But I worried that I was becoming too dependent on that knowledge.

I had to accept the painful reality that she wasn't always going to be this close.

"Sam?" Carly whispered. "You awake?" she asked. "Such a stupid question." I said. "If I wasn't awake, I wouldn't be able to answer your question, now would I?" Carly giggled. "I guess not." We both kept silent for a while, staring into the darkness of the night, painfully aware that every second passing by, brought us closer to goodbye.

"Sam, we need to talk." Carly said. "When tomorrow comes, I have to leave." She said, as if I didn't know that yet. She paused for a little while, and even though I couldn't see her face, I knew she was biting her lip, overthinking what exactly she'd say.

"When are you going back to school?" She asked. "Tuesday." I told her. "Sure?" I nodded, but then realized it was too dark in here for her to see. "Tomorrow I'm going with you to the airport. But after that, I just want things to be normal again."

I was sure that, if it hadn't been so damned dark in here, I would have seen Carly nod as well, not knowing what to say next. "Your mom." She said eventually. My body tensed. Two little words. But they meant so much.

"What about my mom?" I asked in denial, knowing exactly what about my mom. "Sam, you haven't spoken to her since…" she started, but I wouldn't let her finish. "I know!" I said a little too loud.

I knew exactly when I'd spoken too her last. I knew exactly what our last words had been, how she'd last looked, how she laughed. Everything. And I knew exactly why I felt no need to speak to her, or even see her, ever again. Ever.

"Sam, she's your mother." Carly said with clear voice. "She has done a lot of stupid things, but we all make mistakes. She's still…" I huffed and shook my head, trying to stop her from talking. Carly either didn't notice, or didn't listen. "She's still your mother." She continued.

"She's still Melanie's mother. You're both in pain right now, and you both deserve to mourn together." She said softly. "Carly, don't you understand? I don't want that! I don't want to mourn, and especially not with her! I just want to forget about it. About everything." I said.

"Sam…" Carly began. "I… I understand that might seem like the solution right now, but, I think you're going to be sorry about this. You're sad. You miss Melanie. You're afraid. Alone. I get that. I know how it feels to lose someone you love." Carly sniffed.

"Of course it is different for me. I was only three years old when my mother died -I hardly remember her. But I do miss her. And of course I know that it's no solution to keep crying about that, or always think about her. That'll only make you unhappy.

"But it's no solution either to just forget about her. You loved her! You still do. You can't just forget her. You and I both know that's not possible. Not even if you want to." She said.

"And about your mother." Her voice got softer. "I think you're going to be sorry, too, if you're going to cut her out of your life. She's your family Sam. She needs you. And, whether you like it or not, you need her."

"No!" I said. "I don't need her! I never needed her. We never needed her. I love Melanie." My voice broke. "I love her. And, no, I can't forget about her. And I won't. I just… I just can't face it right now. That might be wrong, stupid, but I can't. But I will in time." I promised her, but mostly I promised myself.

"But I don't need my mom. She's not my family. You are. And Spence. Freddie." I said. I didn't know myself this sappy, but I felt I needed to tell her. It was the truth. Carly sighed. "Sam, you know I've always seen you as my family. So have Spencer and Freddie. In a way, we are family. Cause we love each other like it."

She paused for a moment. "But I still think you should talk to your mom." I groaned. "Carly, please!" I said. "I think it's best to get some sleep right now." She said. "You know you're welcome at Spencer's anytime. We'll talk about this later." She said.

I knew she'd keep that promise, but right now I didn't care. All I knew was that, suddenly, I was overcome by an unexpected, deep sleep.

And I slipped away to dreamland, safely tucked in my best friend's arms.

 **I know I promised this chapter would tell you why Sam hates her mother so much, and I know that it doesn't. I'm sorry.**

 **It's just that I already had something written, and I was going to put it in this chapter, but then I decided it'll fit better in the next chapter. Confusing. Yeah. I know.**

 **But, next chapter really will be more satisfying, I promise.**

 **Now, a special message for 'Guest Review'; Of course I'll read your story! Do you have an account yet? When you do, please PM me, I'd love to hear all about it :)**

 **And to everybody who's reading this; Thank you for reading, please tell me what you thought! ;)**


	5. The absolute fatigue of life

**Chapter 5.** –The absolute fatigue of life

 _No tiredness can destroy life like death can, as the absolute fatigue of life._

 _~Sorin Cerin_

"Take good care of her." I whispered, almost inaudible, into colonel Shay's shoulder. "I promise." He said. "If you'll take good care of that son of mine." I smiled through my tears. "I will." He squeezed my shoulders, and then let go. "Take care, kid, I love you!" He went onto Spencer's embrace.

Carly and Freddie let go of each other, and she launched herself directly into my arms. "I'll miss you Sam, I love you!" She cried. "It's only for a month." I said with thick voice. She nodded into my shoulder, clinging onto the little gleam of hope spring vacation offered us.

"I'll call you as soon as we're there." Carly whispered. "And don't you forget it." I said, loosening myself from her grip. It wasn't much of a goodbye. I blamed it on all of the people surrounding us at the airport. But Carly didn't care about other people.

She took my face in her hands. "I love you Sam. I'm here for you. We'll skype every day." She hugged me one more time, before letting go and grabbing her father's hand instead. "Look out for each other." She said to all three of us. And all three of us nodded.

I slowly watched the twosome disappear, their figures growing smaller and smaller on their way to the airplane. On their way to Italy, thousands and thousands of miles away from me.

For a little while, we all just stood there, saying nothing. "Let's go." I finally broke the silence. I didn't wait for an answer, I just turned around and began walking, trusting Freddie and Spencer to follow me.

The ride home was quiet. Too quiet. Silence used to be a perfect time to just rest. Think things over. I used to love the silence, but now, I hated it. I couldn't allow myself to think anything over anymore. My own mind had become my enemy.

"So, Benson." I said from the backseat. "I thought you had school today." Freddie turned around, doing a poor job at hiding his surprise. I pretended not to notice. "Yeah, I… I decided not to go, wanted to wave Carly goodbye." He said.

I lifted one eyebrow. "Well, well." I said. "Look who's decided to become a bad boy, after all. I didn't know you had it in you to play hooky!" Freddie smiled. "I think Principal Franklin will understand, this one time."

The way home seemed to take forever, especially because I had made it my personal mission to keep the conversation going, cleared from awkward silences and, more importantly, painful topics. This became an even more difficult task by the time we had dropped Freddie off at school, and Spencer and I were alone in the car. By the time we were home, I was exhausted.

"I'm going to take a nap." I informed Spencer immediately at entry. "Sam, wait a minute." He said. "Don't you think we should have a talk?" I sighed. I knew all too well what this talk was going to be about. "Spencer… not now. I'm really tired." I said.

"We can't put this off forever." Spencer said. _Why not?_ I wanted to say, but I didn't. "I know." I said instead. "And we will talk about it! Just... not right now, okay? I just want to sleep." I said honestly. Spencer sighed. "Okay. Okay, but we will talk about it. Today!" He said determined.

I nodded, but I hoped I'd find a way to get out of it. Why did I have to talk about this, anyway? As far as I knew, I hated my mom, she hated me, and we were a whole lot better off without each other. Other than Melanie, I had no family.

I had considered myself an orphan most of my life. My parents weren't death, as far as I knew –I really had no idea if my father was still alive –but they were both death to me. Now that my sister, the only relative ever proven to be worth being called family, was gone, I had no reason, nor desire, to contact my mother.

Without bothering to take off my clothes, I slid myself under the covers. Ever since the funeral, I was so tired. I used to sleep all the time, too, but that was just laziness. Now, I really needed it. I constantly felt like I was falling apart.

I was still under the false impression that sleep was going to fix that.

 _"_ _Spencer?" I opened my eyes to stare right into his. Had it all been a dream? I quickly looked around to discover that I was in my own bedroom, in my mother's house. "It wasn't a dream, was it?" I whispered. Spencer slowly shook his head. "I'm afraid not kiddo."_

 _"_ _Melanie is gone." It wasn't a question. I couldn't remember what exactly happened last night, but I knew that. I felt cold. I slid myself out of bed. "I want to go." I said. I needed to get out of here, there wasn't enough air in here._

 _"_ _You want to go downstairs?" Spencer asked. I shook my head. "No, I want to go home." "You mean… my place?" Spencer whispered. I nodded, quickly putting a sweater on, over my pajamas. "Sam, do you really…" He began, but I was already halfway down the stairs. I had to get the hell out of here –I couldn't breathe in here._

 _"_ _Samantha Puckett." My mom said with slurred speech, and a demon laugh. I tied my shoelaces, without looking up at her. "What's the matter, girl, going so soon?" She said. I stood up, and turned around._

 _My mom was wearing nothing but a long, pink sleeping-shirt that could barely hold the weight of her boobs. With her right hand, she held herself up against the doorframe. With her left hand, she was holding an almost empty liquor bottle._

 _She was drunk. Her daughter –my sister was gone, and she was drunk. As usual, she didn't think about anybody else but Pamela Puckett. It made me sick._

 _She laughed again, stumbling towards me. She said something in her slurred language that I couldn't make sense of, just before taking another sip directly from the bottle. It dizzied me. I stamped towards her, and yanked the bottle out of her hand before throwing it on the floor._

 _I couldn't find the strength to talk, to tell her what I thought. I couldn't even find the strength to think, really. I just wanted to get out. I needed air._

 _I didn't notice that the glass I stepped in forced itself through my shoe sole, into my foot. I didn't notice that my mom was shouting after me, fuming about the broken bottle. I just ran out of the house, never to come back. Followed closely by Spencer._

 **You may wonder why Sam and Melanie are suddenly so close in this story. And, instead of having everybody believing that I'm writing horrible OOC, I just wanted to tell you that I** ** _will_** **clear that up in a few chapters.**

 **Also, to anybody who wants to read another iCarly story, please check out my reviews. Somebody has send in a preview to their next story. :)**


	6. Flashbacks

**Chapter 6.** -Flashbacks

 _I hate getting flashbacks from things I don't want to remember._

 _~Author Unknown_

My eyes flew open. I was home –I was at Spencer's. I was in Carly's old room. It'd been a dream. Another stupid, bad dream.

I sighed. I was still so tired. The nightmares wore me out. They weren't ordinary nightmares. Ordinary nightmares would disappear when you woke up. Ordinary nightmares would be scared away by the morning light.

But these were more than dreams, these were worse. They were memories. Flashbacks, haunting me while I slept. And the thing about memories, is that they're not just something your mind makes up. They're real.

And every time I had to relive these memories, I'd feel the same pain, the same grief and the same impotence.

And every time I'd die a little more inside.

I hopped out of bed. I changed into some yoga pants and a tank top. I pulled my hair up in a ponytail, to keep it out of my face. When I walked by the mirror, I stopped to stare at myself. With my hair up, I looked just like Melanie.

It was like looking at Melanie's face instead of my own. Tears started building up in my eyes. I pulled the rubber band out of my hair. It immediately fell down to my shoulders. I wiped my cheeks before leaving the room.

When I came down the stairs, I saw Freddie sitting on the couch. "Hey nub, what're you doing here?" I jumped the last two steps. Freddie turned around. "O, hey Sam! Spencer is out, shopping for one of his art works." He told me.

"Okay, but what are you doing here? Didn't we drop you off at school?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. Freddie smiled. "Yeah, you did –five hours ago! It's five PM." He informed me. "Really?" I did a poor job at hiding my surprise –I didn't think I'd slept more than one, maybe two hours.

I sat down on the couch next to him. "So, err, tomorrow you're going back to school?" Freddie asked. I nodded. I didn't feel like talking. "Are you… planning to see your mother anytime soon?" I flinched at the mentioning of my mom.

I glared at Freddie. "That's none of your business." I said. "Sam…" "No Freddie!" I shouted. "You're just like Carly and Spencer, everybody here is trying to get me reunited with my mom, and nobody even cares what I have to say about that! You don't know her, you don't know what she's like!" I yelled with thick voice.

Freddie carefully laid an arm over my shoulders. When I, for some reason, didn't flinch, he pulled me in a hug. "Sam, we're all just trying to help you." He whispered. "This isn't easy on us either, we just want what's best for you. And sometimes, we don't know what that best really is."

My sobs became louder, and I was pretty sure I was getting Freddie's shirt wet, but if he noticed, he didn't care. He just rubbed my back, and whispered soothing, apologetic words, till I ran out of tears to cry.

I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. "If anyone walks in here right now I'll have to kill you both." I whispered. Freddie laughed. "That's my Sam!" He sighed. "But, Sam, about your mother…" he started again.

I closed my eyes, but didn't shut him up this time. "Sam, I know you're hurt, and afraid, and you don't want to see her, and I understand –or at least I'm trying. And you're right. I don't know her. I don't know what she's like. But I know she loved Melanie. And I know she's just as devastated by her death as you are."

I tried to laugh, but it sounded hollow –bitter. "Well, last time I saw her, she sure had a funny way of showing that!" I said. "She was drunk." Freddie said. "I know, Spencer told me. But you know, that's really not such a funny way of expressing your misery. It's also not a very wise way, but it is common." He told me.

"Drinking makes the hurt go away, if only for a little while." He whispered. "Sam, you don't have to go through this alone. You've got us; me, Spencer, Carly… but your mom, she hasn't got anybody. She's lost one daughter, and now she's losing the other one.

"This has to be you're decision, and whatever it will be, I'll support it. And I'll make Spencer and Carly support it, too. But please, do think about it. I hope you'll at least talk to her. After all, she is your mom. And when that stops meaning anything, this world becomes a little more of a sadder place to live."

I slowly nodded my head. I knew. I knew all of this. But here at Spencer's, it all felt so safe. I had my friends around, ready to protect me when necessary. I was just… afraid. "I know." I whispered. "I know. But it's just… It just… hurts so much, and… I'm…" I couldn't even say it!

"I'm afraid!" I spit out the words. "I'm afraid, okay! I'm scared she's going to hurt me more, somehow, and I'm afraid!" I was crying without tears. "I know Sam! Really, I do. I know how it hurts to lose someone so close to you, I know how scared you are. And I understand." Freddie said with tears in his eyes.

How could I have forgotten? "Your dad." I whispered, suddenly calmness itself. Freddie nodded. "I was only ten, but I remember it all." He whispered. "I remember how it hurt –how unfair it was –still is. I remember the uncertainty; why was this happening, what was even happening?" he stopped to take a breath.

"And above all, I remember how afraid I was. I was afraid of how I'd make it due without my dad. I was so afraid my mom would leave too. And the nightmares, they kept coming back to me, I remembered everything as if I was there, feeling the same pain over and over again." He said.

And it helped, you know. To have someone understand me. Know the pain. I mean, Carly kind of understood. But not really. She couldn't have the nightmares, the flashbacks, since she had been too young to remember her mother. She knew the pain of the grief, but not the pain of the memories.

"Do you…" I began. "Do you still have them? The nightmares?" I asked. Freddie looked me in the eyes. "Sometimes." He said. "But only occasionally. It gets better Sam. Everything does. Cause, unlike love, the pain gets less in time."

"I want to believe that." I whispered. "Then do." Freddie said. "Then do, because it's true. I wouldn't lie to you." "I know." I said. "Thank you, Freddie, for…" I stopped myself. "Thank you."

It was kind of funny, really. When Freddie had lost his father, he'd been afraid of his mother leaving. Now I'd lost my sister, and I was afraid of the exact opposite. I looked at Freddie. He'd overcame his fears.

"You know what, Freddie? I think I'm going to talk to her."


	7. Home

**Okay, first off, I would like to thank Invader Johnny, who has literally been reviewing every chapter yet! Of course I'm grateful too everybody who's been reading and reviewing, but I figured this deserved a special thank you :)**

 **Chapter 7.** –Home

 _Where we love is home –home that our feet may leave but not our hearts._

 _~Oliver Wendell Holmes_

I was sitting in the backseat of Marissa Benson's car. Ever since Melanie's death, I hadn't slept longer than seven, eight at the most, once. And now that I was going back to school, out of all times, now I overslept myself –even with an alarm clock set.

When Freddie rang the doorbell this morning, ready to leave any second, he looked right in the eyes of a very sleepy Spencer, who hadn't been able to drag me out of bed since he was still asleep himself.

I hurried myself out of bed and in to my clothes, but of course we were way too late to cycle to school. Luckily, Marissa had her day off and offered to drive us.

"You know mom, I could have driven us ourselves. I do have my driver-license now." Freddie said. Marissa sighed. "Yes, I know, but then I wouldn't have had the car all day!" She justified her action. "Okay, and where were you planning on going today, exactly?" Freddie asked.

I hid a smile as Marissa tried to make all kinds of excuses. Neither I nor Freddie hardly ever drove. Me because I hadn't exactly passed my driving exam. –Stupid old lady; she was blocking my way! And Freddie because his mother hardly ever let him. Her son was seventeen years old, but her overprotection for him hadn't gotten any less yet –I wondered if it ever would.

"You okay?" Freddie asked as we were walking into the schoolhouse. I rolled my eyes. "Yes, of course I'm okay!" I said annoyed. I really wasn't okay, I was afraid of any condolences might offered from teachers or kids. I was afraid I'd get emotional for everyone to see. I was terrible afraid of seeing my mother this afternoon. –But what business was that of him?

No, to everyone else, I was okay. I had to be, in order to ever be okay again to myself.

The school day flew by surprisingly quickly. Did you ever notice how the time crawls by when you're waiting for something fun to happen, but then when you know something terrible is going to happen, that same amount of time goes by ten times faster? –I hate that; ought to be the other way around.

Spencer, who'd agreed into picking us up from school, stopped by an ugly, neglected house. Obviously the home of some very vulgar and antisocial owners.

Also known as the Puckett residence.

My hands were cold and sweaty. _"_ _Just keep driving, I changed my mind."_ I wanted to say. But I didn't. I was going inside. No matter what. "Are you sure you want to go all alone? I could go with you." Spencer said. I shook my head. "No. I want to go alone."

"I'll see you guys at home, okay?" I said before hopping out of the car, leaving no more room for comments. I walked to the door, and rang the dusty old doorbell. I waited several minutes before she finally showed up.

The door swung open. "Well if it ain't Samantha Puckett!" A wave of alcohol immediately hit me. It was enough to make me turn around and leave, right away. But I didn't. "I came to talk mom. Can I come in?"

She moved aside. "Why of course, Samantha." I hated the pejorative way she said my full-given name. It smelled awful inside the house –even worse then I remembered. It smelled like alcohol and cigarettes, like dirt and rotten food. But above all it smelled like death.

How applicable.

We both sat ourselves down at the big, dirty and broken couch in the living room –although I wondered how anyone could live here. "So, Samantha! Whatcha wanna talk about?" my mom asked in her drunken, slurring language.

"Well, this!" I snapped. "Would you just look around you? Look at yourself? Everything in here is broken, or very, very dirty –and so are you." I said. "You're drunk, and I dare to say that that's not an exception."

First she looked stunned –shocked. Then fuming with anger. "How dare you speak to me like that? I'm still your mother, whether you like it or not!" she said. "Yeah, and I'm still your daughter. Whether you like that or not!" I threw her comment back at her.

"Mom, we have to do something about this, we need to talk." It was then that I realized it was absolutely no use to talk to her while she was this drunk. "Mom, why don't you go take a shower, then I'll make you some coffee." I said.

She didn't respond at all. She just laughed. Was she laughing at me? Her laugh was hollow, as she brought another flask to her mouth. That's where I lost it. I jumped up, and yanked the flask out of her hand. I threw it on the floor, where it broke into thousands of little pieces. "Stop it!" I screamed. "Just stop it!"

My mother stood up, her eyes filled with anger. "How dare you." She lisped. "How dare you!" Her face was turning red. "Mom, please!" I begged. "Can't you see what it's doing to you? I want to help you…" She slapped me across the face.

"Get out!" she yelled. I was too stunned to say anything. She swung at me with an empty liquor bottle, which shattered on my arm. "Can't ya hear me!" She yelled. "Get out of here!" I turned around and ran. Making my way through the broken glass, I headed to the door.

On my way out I noticed the source of the death-smell, there was a big dead rat laying in the hallway. But I ignored it. I ignored everything. I just ran out of the house, through the streets.

Back to the safety of a home.

 **What did you think? Honestly, I'm not completely satisfied with this chapter. I actually find action scenes rather difficult to write. I hope you liked it anyway.**

 **I won't be able to update this weekend. :( I'm really sorry, but I'll be staying with a friend, and I just won't have the time to do any writing. But, I'll be back on Monday. Sunday night if I can, but I doubt it.**

 **Anyway, thanks for reading, please tell me what you thought!**


	8. It doesn't matter

**Chapter 8.** –It doesn't matter

 _It doesn't matter who hurt you, or who broke you down. What matters is who made you smile again._

 _~Author Unknown_

"I can't believe it. I just can't believe it!" Spencer was pacing through the room. "I'm going to call child protection." Mrs. Benson said, while carefully picking all of the tiny pieces of glass out of my arm. I swear, sometimes it actually came in handy to have a nurse living across the hallway –although I wouldn't admit it.

"No you won't." I said. "Firstly, I'm not a child –I'll be eighteen next month, and second, I don't need protection! I'll just, never go near her again, is all." "Well of course you're never going near her again!" Spencer shouted with a shaking voice.

"But…" Mrs. Benson began again. "Mom, she doesn't want that, let it be!" Freddie said. "Okay! Okay, I won't call child protection." She gave in. "But that woman needs help –she's an alcoholic!" she decided. Spencer flinched. "That woman doesn't need help, that woman deserves death! I'll kill her myse…"

"Spencer!" Freddie interrupted him. "For once, I'm going to be with my mom on this one. Mrs. Puckett is an alcoholic, she needs help." Mrs. Benson didn't even comment at the 'for once'. I sighed. "Okay, maybe you're right. But I'm not going to be the one giving her that help!" I said firmly.

"Me neither!" Spencer said immediately. "No, of course not!" Freddie said. "None of us would want to do that, and besides, she needs professional help –some institution. Now, mom, you can make sure someone gives her that, right?"

"Yes, I got connections at the hospital." Mrs. Benson agreed. "Okay, dear, this may sting a little." She continued nursing my arm. Luckily, the cuts weren't that bad. And I even had a professional removing the glass. It was supposed to be all better in just a few days.

"I still can't believe I let you go in there alone." Spencer whispered. "If only I had gone with you, maybe…" "I wouldn't have let you come with me, anyway!" I cut him off. "Spence, this isn't anybody's fault, okay? Don't blame yourself!"

"Do we need to go to a hospital or something, or…?" Freddie asked. "No, I think she'll be just fine." Mrs. Benson said. "It was just a minor injury. Keep the bandage on it for a week, just so there won't be any infections. But otherwise, you're okay, Samantha."

"Sam." I corrected. She knitted her brows. "Sam." She repeated. I looked at the bandage on my arm. It was wrapped tightly around the wound, but not so tight it hurt. "Thanks Mrs. Benson." I whispered. Her face expression softened. "You're welcome Samantha. -I mean Sam." I couldn't help but smile at her.

Spencer got up and paced to the kitchen. "I'll go make dinner." He mumbled. Freddie and I shared a concerned look. We all knew Spencer could set anything on fire, but kitchen-stuff were his specialty. And especially when he was angry.

"Yeah, why don't we order a pizza or something, okay?" Freddie said quickly. His mother didn't seem too amused with this turn of events, but she also didn't argue, so I saw that as permission to grab my cellphone and call my favorite pizza-dude.

We spent the rest of the night together. And although the pizza was delicious and the company was good, it wasn't as cozy as it normally was, it was quieter. It was like nobody felt at ease. I decided to leave for bed early.

"Hey, I'm going to turn in, so…" I stood up. "But Sam, don't you want to skype with Carly tonight? We always do." Spencer said. I sighed. I didn't feel like talking to Carly. Or to anyone, really. Plus, I knew I'd have to tell her about my mom. If I wouldn't bring it up myself, she'd ask.

"Yeah, I know." I said. "Sam, she's going to have to know tonight. Whether you'll tell her, or I." Spencer said. "I know." I sighed again. "I'll tell her myself."

If there was one thing I'd hate more then to be forced into talking to Carly about what happened with my mom, it would be knowing Spencer was telling Carly about it. He was a good friend and I loved him very much. But I just knew that he was going to blow this whole thing out of proportion and have Carly worried sick.

If I'd tell her myself, Spencer was probably still going to blow it out of proportion and I was also pretty sure Carly would be worried sick either way. But at least she would first see me being okay, and that counted for something.

"Well then, it's almost 10, which means about six in the morning there, so let's get our butts behind that computer and get it over with. She's probably up and awake already. " I said, cheerier then I felt. Freddie got up and started the program. Not too much later, the familiar voice of Carly Shay echoed through the apartment.

"Hey you guys! How's it going in America?" "We're doing fine, how are things down in Italy?" Freddie asked. "Great!" I could see she wasn't about to make small talks. "Sam? How was your day?" she asked carefully.

I smirked. "Not too well." I bit my lip. "Oh, no, Sam. What happened?" she said worriedly. "My, eh... she was… she was drunk, so..." I knew what to tell her. The words just wouldn't come. "So, well, she got angry, told me to leave, so… I left." I said with a 'simple as that' tone of voice.

Carly, tough, did not seem to be satisfied. And if I would have looked around me, I would have seen by the faces of the other people in the room that they weren't either. "Sam, what happened to your face? Your cheek's bruising." She said.

"Oh, yeah, as I said, my mom and I had a fight." I said, knowing exactly how she'd react. Her mouth dropped. "Your mom did that?" she said incredulous. "It's not that bad." I tried to convince her. Spencer couldn't hold himself back anymore.

"Not that bad? Carly, she hit her in the face! And look!" he jammed my sleeve up, to show Carly the bandage. "Look what she did!" Spencer said raging. "Spence, would you calm down, I was going to tell her that!" I said. He backed off.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. "I'm just…" he shook his head. "Sorry." Carly had tears in her eyes. "Sam? What did she do?" she whispered. "Carls, listen to me," I started "it's really not that bad. Mrs. Benson here is a nurse, and she told me herself that it was just a minor injury, you understand? It's not that bad."

Carly's eyes grew wide, but she nodded. "But what did she do?" she emphasized the word 'what'. "She hit me with bottle, the glass got some cuts on my arm –not that big a deal." I said. The brown eyes on the computer screen filled themselves with tears again.

"Well I happen to think it is that big a deal." She said softly. I sighed. "Carly, I told you, I'm fine! Spencer already told me I can move in with him permanently, and we're just going to forget about her, okay? I'm fine –we're fine without her! Let's just forget about it all, okay?"

She nodded slowly. "Let's talk about something else. How was your day?" I asked. Carly nodded again and took a deep breath before throwing herself into some funny story about a school project that had failed miserably.

While she talked and we laughed, Carly's tears slowly vanished. And the thought of my mom sank away deeper and deeper into the depths of the oblivion.

 **Next chapter will be all about how Sam and Melanie became such close sisters!**


	9. Still always near

**I'm sorry I didn't have any time to write yesterday. My best friend is currently going through some crappy times, and I needed to be there for her. However, this is an extra long chapter! I hope you enjoy!**

 **Chapter 9.** –Still always near

 _Those we love don't go away. They walk beside us every day. Unseen, unheard, but always near. Still very loved, and very missed, and very dear._

 _~Author Unknown_

I was walking down the long path that ran through the graveyard. It sure was easier walking here on my sneakers as it had been on Carly's heels. Last time I came here had been the funeral. I hadn't want to come until I had some good news to tell Melanie –yet I sure as hell didn't have that for her right now.

But something had changed my mind about that. During the little sleep that I'd had last night, (I would wake up every time I moved over to lay on my arm, and left just happened to be the side I always slept on.) I'd had a dream. It was about Melanie.

About the night Jake died. The night that we became close. Before then, we never shared anything, except for DNA. Well, maybe when we were children. Before Melanie went to Washington, before she left me alone with my mom and before we diluted.

But that was a long time ago. And ever since, we had been sisters only by name. Until last year, about two months after Carly had moved to Italy. When death had brought us closer together.

And now, it had driven us apart again. Only this time for good.

 _I laid back my head and tried to sleep. "Hey, we're supposed to be learning English, remember? I hear there's a big test tomorrow…" Freddie's annoyingly cheery voice brought me back to earth. I groaned. "Benson! You woke me up!"_

 _Just before he had a chance to respond, my phone began ringing. I was surprised at the caller ID. "Mel?" I picked up the phone. "Sam?" the voice on the other side of the line was soft and shaky. "It's Jake, Sam. He's in the hospital, he just had a heart attack."_

 _"_ _O my God!" I went to sit up straight. "Is everything alright?" Melanie sobbed loudly. "No. He's still unconscious. His heart rhythm is now steady again, but there's really no telling in what'll happen next. Our biggest concern is that he won't wake up. He could end up in a coma!" The sobs were getting louder and uncontrollable._

 _"_ _Mel, calm down. Are you at the hospital now?" I asked. "Yes. But the doctors won't let me see him. Only his parents are allowed in." she said. I thought quickly. It was 9pm now. If I would get on a plane to Washington, I'd be there 5 hours later. "Okay, I'll see how fast I can get there." I said without a doubt._

 _Melanie sniffled. "Thank you Sam. That'd be amazing." "I know. I am amazing. Hang in there girl, I'll be there as soon as possible." I hung up. "What was that all about? Was that Melanie?" Freddie asked. I nodded. "You go check when the very next flight to Washington leaves. I ought to go packing."_

 _Freddie's eyes widened. "Sam, what are you talking about, it's Thursday, we have a test tomorrow, you can't just get up and leave!" He yelled. But I was halfway the stairs already. "Yes I can!" I shouted back._

 _Freddie followed me up the stairs. "Sam, what is this all about?" he asked. I gave an annoyed sigh. "Didn't I just give you a task?" I asked. "Sam!" he screamed. "Melanie's boyfriend just had a heart attack." I explained while stuffing some clothes in a bag._

 _"_ _He's in the hospital and Melanie is terrible upset, so I have to be there now." Freddie only nodded. "Yeah, I, err, I totally understand." He said after a while. "Thanks." I said sarcastically. "Now go check on my flight!"_

 _He quickly went downstairs, while I finished packing my bag. When I entered the room again, Freddie apparently had it all figured out yet. "So, you're flight leaves at ten, I got you a seat. I called Spencer, but he's not going to make it home in time to take you, so we'll take my car." He said._

 _"_ _Thanks Freddie," I said "but I can drive myself you know." "No, you can't." he said firmly. "One, you do not have a driver's license, two, you do not have a car." I rolled my eyes. "Thanks, Freddie."_

 _A few hours later, I arrived at the Dulles international airfield in Washington DC. I grabbed my bag, and began looking for Melanie. "Sam!" I immediately turned around. "Melanie!" we ran up to each other and she hugged me tight, tears immediately running down her cheeks._

 _"_ _How is he?" I asked worriedly. Melanie shook her head. "It's not good Sam. He still hasn't come to." She said. "O, god, Sam, it's just so scary! I'm just sitting there, waiting, doing nothing! It's like I know he's going to die, and I can't do anything about it!"_

 _"_ _Now, just a minute! You don't know that! You don't know he's going to die. You don't know that and I won't have you giving up on him!" I said a little loudly. She wiped away her tears. "But I'm not! I'm not giving up!" She said. "I'm just so afraid. I'm so afraid, Sam!"_

 _I laid my arm over her shoulder, and began walking out of the building. We took a cab back to the hospital. We were sitting next to each other, and I held her hand. I didn't say anything, because I knew there wasn't anything I could say to make her feel better. But I could be there. I could just simply be there for her. And, if only, that was exactly what I was going to do._

 _In hospitals, time always seemed to crawl. I could see the clock ticking, it was now exactly 04:42. Tick… Tock… Tick… Tock… It was as if every second took longer to pass then the last one. "Ms. Puckett?" a far from cheery nurse entered the waiting room._

 _In a reflex I jumped up. "Yeah?" I said. "Ms. Melanie Puckett?" the nurse questioned. "No, that's my sister, she's at the toilet, she'll just be a sec." I told her. "Alright, I'll wait." She said. At that very moment, Melanie opened the door. "There she is!" I said._

 _"_ _Ms. Melanie Puckett?" the nurse questioned again. Melanie nodded. "That's me. Is there news about Jake?" her eyes filled themselves with a sparkling hope. But the nurse wouldn't even flinch. "Won't you sit down." She said._

 _Every last glimmer of hope, immediately disappeared from Melanie's eyes again, as she did what was told._ "Won't you sit down." _The words kept echoing through my head._ "Won't you sit down." _That could never be a good sign._

 _"_ _I am very sorry. Jake just had another heart attack, there was nothing we could do. He just passed away." Melanie buried her face in her hands. Nothing but the most hopeless, desperate, tired sob came out. I carefully laid my hand on her back._

 _"_ _I'm sorry Mel." I whispered. I had no idea what else to say. She wrapped her arms around me, and cried softly into my shoulder. I didn't know what to say. For the first time in my life, I had no words. And so I just continued to hold her. I wouldn't let go of her, for what felt like hours more._

 _As if in that way I could protect her from the pain –the evil that the world had to offer._

I remained in Washington for six more days, until the funeral was over. After that, I took my sister back home with me for another week. And for a week, she cried. She remembered him, she looked at pictures of him, told me stories about him. For a week long she mourned.

And after that, she returned to Washington. She went back to school, she did her homework. She went back to work, back to partying with her friends. She went back to her life. At first, it was hard. She'd call me every night, and she'd still cry.

At first she wasn't happy. But slowly, she got over it. And as the phone calls were less and less about Jake and more and more about Melanie, I found that she slowly got back to the person she had been. She was happy again. And I was proud of her.

I stopped by a small gravestone, surrounded by colorful flowers. I suddenly remembered. I hadn't brought her any flowers. I looked around, to notice two things. One, the graveyard was empty, except for me of course. And, two, on the grave next to Melanie's lay a beautiful bouquet of red roses.

Melanie loved red roses. I quickly scooped one away, leaving the whole untouched. So now I was stealing from the dead. –Great.

I carefully placed the flower on Melanie's grave. "Look Mel, I brought… well, I got you your favorite; red roses." I whispered. "Never mind how I got them." I smiled.

"Mel, I wasn't planning on coming here before I got you any good news to tell. And, well, I don't have good news now, but I decided I had to come here anyway. Cause, as I look back, that was always really our problem, wasn't it? Only telling each other the good things. Always remaining silent about what sucked in our lives."

I paused to inhale deeply. "But, then I remembered the night that… that Jake died. And, how that changed everything. Ever since then, there hasn't been one problem you haven't helped me out with –if it was only by listening. So, now maybe you can't hear me anymore, but I still need to talk to you."

I read over the inscription on the stone. It said;

 _Melanie Grace Puckett._

 _May she live on forever in our memories and our hearts._

She wasn't on this earth anymore. But part of her was still in my heart. Maybe I could talk to that part.

And so I spent the rest of the afternoon at the graveyard, talking to Melanie. Or maybe just to myself –to my heart. But that wasn't the point. The point was that I talked. The point was that I got everything straight to myself.

The point was that I needed this. And once again, Melanie helped me to do that. Even if she wasn't here to know that anymore.


	10. She believes in you

**Chapter 10.** -She believes in you

 _She's your best friend because she believes in you when you don't believe in yourself._

 _~Author Unknown_

The sweet smell of Carly's favorite shampoo had something familiar, something relaxing. It immediately calmed me down, as I buried my face in her hair. "I missed you Carly." I whispered. "I missed you too." She sobbed. "I missed you so much Sam."

You never did quite got used to being so far apart from your best friend. I always missed her. Vacations now were better than they'd ever been. Vacations brought her home with me.

"Hey, where is everybody else?" She loosened herself from my embrace before looking around the airport. I smiled. I swear I would never understand how that girl could go from all teary eyes and emotional to as cheery as ever in five seconds.

"Sam, please don't tell me you drove here yourself, you know..." I cut her off. "Relax, Carly, Spencer is here with me, he'll be right back, he's taking a wazz. " I said loudly. Some people turned, and Carly blushed a little. I chuckled.

"Carly?" We turned around to see Spencer running up to us. "Carly, you're here!" Carly's eyes widened. I chuckled again. "Spencer!" She yelled. "What's that around your neck!?"

Hanging around his neck, and glued stuck to Spencer's bare chest and shoulders, was nothing less than a toilet seat.

Spencer shrugged. "That's a toilet seat." "Well I can see that! How did it get there?" Carly always failed to understand funny stuff. "O, I dropped my fork in the toilet, and when I put my head in to see where it was, it turned out there was glue all over this thing. It won't come lose anymore." he explained.

Carly was stunned. "What, just now?" she asked. "No, this morning, at home. Which reminds me, we need a new toilet seat." he said. "Yeah, he drove here with that thing around his shoulders." I grinned. "Now that's not exactly easy."

"It's not exactly safe, either!" Carly yelled. "No, but it was fun!" I began laughing again. Spencer laughed too. "Yeah, like when the police..." he started. "Stop!" Carly interrupted. "I don't need to know it." She sighed. "What am I going to do with the two of you?"

She grabbed both Spencer and me by the arm, and began walking towards the exit. "So, how come you dropped your fork in the toilet?" Carly asked. "And, why was there glue on the toilet seat?" "O, well, I was eating meatballs..." Spencer began. "What, at the toilet?" Carly asked surprised. "No, silly, in the bathtub!" Spencer said.

"Anyway, Gibby called..." he continued his story. I smiled. Not just at the hilarity of things, but mostly because I was walking next to Carly again. She was home.

Later that night, I found myself sitting still, while Carly painted my toenails. I don't know why I let her. "So, the exams are coming up." She chattered." Aren't you busy, you know with studying? I know I am!" I shrugged. "Naah, no need to study." I said. "I'm not going to pass anyway, so..."

I cringed at the reaction I knew was coming. "What!" Carly screamed. "Samantha Puckett, what are you talking about?" she demanded. "Well nothing new, I'd say! I mean, just look at my reputation, can you name one person, just one, who actually thinks I can make it?" I said angrily.

"Yes!" Carly said. " _I_ do! I know you can make it, if you try! If you don't even try, you won't pass, of course! But I know you can do it!" I sighed. "Carly, I... I don't think so, and besides, what use is it going to have? What college is going to let me in? I think it's best to just fail, and then to go find a job."

"Well I don't think that's best!" Carly said. "I for one don't care what anybody else says you can or can't do. I know that if you work hard you can pass -and go to college. You just got to believe in yourself Sam. I know I believe in you, and I'll help you, but that's just not enough. For this to work -for your life to work, you got to believe in yourself, too." Her voice had gotten softer.

I smiled. "Carly, you really do need to become a lawyer." I joked. "You really think I got a chance with this?" I asked unsure. "Well, I do!" She said. "But that doesn't even matter if you don't." I looked down at my feet. There was a big blue swipe all over my right feet, starting at my big toe.

I hadn't even noticed Carly's shootout. "I know someone else who believed in you." She whispered. "What do you think she would have said, if she were here?" Tears immediately filled my eyes. "Listen, you don't have to do this for me, and you don't have to do this for Melanie." She said.

"And nobody's going to be disappointed if you make a mistake! All you can do is try. That's all I'm asking. That you'll try –for yourself." I smiled. Maybe she was right. Maybe I did owe it to myself to try.

"You know what Carly?" I took a deep breath. "I think I can do this." She laughed happily. "Well, I know you can do this! But are you going to?"

I thought about Melanie for a moment, about how smart she was. I thought about how she had gotten that scholarship to her fancy school in Washington, and how everybody had known she would make it to university, and God knows what else. And I remembered how eager she was to do just that.

She would never be able to accomplish that goal. But maybe I would. Maybe, I could make my sister proud.

I nodded slowly. "I am."

And I did. I started actually doing my homework, and studying for my tests. It wasn't always easy, but I did it. Carly, Spencer, Freddie and even Mrs. Benson dragged me through it. Now that I think of it, must not always have been easy on them, either.

I sighed deeply as I rested my head on my books. There was a big history test coming up next week, and I was supposed to be learning for it. But if there's anything in this world that I hate, it's history. For goodness sake, it's all dead people! Boring!

"Samantha, what are you doing? You should be learning right now, young lady!" Mrs. Benson's annoying voice echoed through the apartment. I sighed again. Usually, when I had a test, either Freddie and I would learn together, or Carly would skype me from Italy and supervise my studying from there.

Even though I lived with Spencer, it wasn't exactly like he was able to do anything that required concentration. So, he was of no help. However, when neither Freddie nor Carly had the time or energy to help me –which, strangely, happened rather often when it came to history, they would leave me under the care of Mrs. Benson.

I did not believe there could be any greater punishment.

"Samantha Puckett, you are supposed to be learning!" She yelled. I slowly lifted my head, and groaned. "I know, I know." I said. "It's just so very, very boring!" "I know it is, dear." Mrs. Benson said. "History never used to be one of my favorites either." She smiled.

"But you're going to have to take the exam, and how are you planning to pass that if you won't even study?" She asked. I shrugged my shoulders. "You know..? Freddie and Carly always give me a bacon bonus every time I've concentrated for 15 minutes." I said.

"Well I happen to think that learning should be its own reward!" She said. I groaned again. "But, if you claim that it would really help you..." I jolted up. "Yes! I do, I do, bacon really, really, really helps me concentrate!"

"Okay then." She sighed. "But first, you're going to write a summary, which I'll check personally, and learn everything you need to know, inside out!" She said. "And then I'll get bacon?" I asked carefully. "Then you'll get bacon. But only if I find your work acceptable!" Mrs. Benson said firmly.

"Do we have a deal?" I smiled. Never would have thought I'd someday make deals with Mrs. Benson. "We have a deal."

Studying under the supervision of Mrs. Benson was definitely not my idea of having fun. But she did, in fact, help me pass my history exam. And every exam after that. I never thought I'd see the day I'd graduate from school. But that day seemed to get closer and closer.

And when it came, I was sure I would have made my sister proud.

 **Next chapter; graduation!**


	11. Do the impossible

**Chapter 11.** -Do the impossible

 _It's kind of fun to do the impossible._

 _~Walt Disney_

I nervously bit my lower lip while I tried to fix my exam-hat for the millionths of time. The stupid thing just wouldn't stay put. I looked to my side, where Freddie sat. At least he looked like he was even more nervous than I was. I mean, we already knew we passed our exams, but there was something about it, graduation day. It just made you nervous.

Freddie didn't have his degree yet, either. With a name like Benson, you'd think he'd be like the first name on the list. But you'd be surprised how much classmates we had with last name Adams. Finally, he was up. I could hear Mrs. Benson sobbing from behind me. Frankly, I don't see how anyone could have missed that.

Freddie gave a short speech where he thanked everybody, and talked about taking new steps in life. Kind of the same speech all of the Adams' had given before him, and which I knew I'd hear a couple of times more today. I must say, I wasn't really paying attention, I was still too focused on my slipping hat, until he suddenly said my name.

"Also, I'd like to thank Sam Puckett, one of my best friends, who always makes me go on when I'm ready to give up." I didn't really care what else he had to say. I was too busy trying to get rid of the tears that were currently filling my eyes. When had I became such a sissy, anyway?

But I couldn't help it. I had always seen Freddie as such a friend -one that always makes you go on -makes you fight, even if things get hard. -Carly too. And they both meant everything to me. And it just made me feel incredibly happy to know that I was seen as a friend like that, too. If only by one person.

Two minutes later, Freddie sat down next to my right again, and carefully smiled at me. I softly smiled back, moving a little closer to him. It still seemed to take forever before my name was called, but, suddenly, I wasn't all that nervous any more, somehow.

And finally, finally, finally Principal Franklin called my name. "Samantha Puckett, would you come forward please." I took a deep breath before walking up the stage. Principal Franklin handed me my degree and shook my hand while everybody started clapping.

"Congratulations Sam. I'm so very proud of you! We'll all miss you." he said. " Thank you." was all I could say. I walked over to the small desk where I was supposed to give my speech. I looked into the mass of people. Most of the children on the front line were already holding their degrees. I was named Puckett, and therefore I was always last in row.

Spencer was sitting next to Mrs. Benson, as close to the stage as possible. Mrs. Benson was still sobbing while Spencer was holding up a video camera. "I am not going to thank everybody up here," I said. "that'd be to cliché for me. And I'm sure by now you all know that everyone here is 'ready to take a new step in life'." a few people laughed.

"So, all I'm going to say is; wow! O my God, I'm graduating! Seriously! Me!" Now everybody was laughing. "Now honestly, how many of you people can say you saw that coming? I know I didn't! I mean, it always seemed impossible to me. But, you know, after you've done all the work even though you hated it and you've been wanting to quit about a hundred times but you didn't..."

I paused for a sec, finding the right words to say. "I guess it's kind of fun to do the impossible." Everybody started clapping again, and I made a dramatic bow before going back to my seat. "Now that, Benson, was a speech." I whispered in Freddie's ear.

He smiled back at me. "Well played, Puckett, well played." he whispered. "But don't for a moment think I didn't see your teary eyes during my speech." he whispered in an even lower voice. I blushed, for one moment stunned without words. But I found them again within seconds.

"Hey, Benson." I whispered slowly. " Your mom's a nurse right?" I asked. "Yeah..?" "Well good cause if you ever say something like that again you'll need her!" Freddie rolled his eyes, but did shut up. I smiled a little. At least I still hadn't lost my touch.

After the ceremony was completed, and I finally got to throw my dysfunctional hat in the air, the congratulations-part began. Spencer was the first one to greet me and lifted me in the air. He came running up to me with that crazy smile on his face. "Sam!" he yelled, and then he grabbed me by my waist to spin me around.

"Spencer, you idiot, put me down!" I laughed. He didn't, but he stopped spinning. "Sam, we're all so, so proud of you! I still can't believe you did it, you actually graduated!" I hugged him tight, my legs still flooding in the air.

"Sam, honey!" Mrs. Benson still had a little crack in her voice. Spencer put me down, and began to shake Freddie's hand, maybe a little too enthusiastically. "Would you look at you!" She said. "Why, is there something between my teeth?" I said sarcastically. But I don't think she heard. "You're graduated! You're all grown up and smart and..." She started sobbing again.

I sighed deeply. "Mrs. Benson." I said in my softest and nicest and most comforting voice. "Would you stop crying? It's embarrassing." She quickly wiped her cheeks. "O." She mumbled. "Sorry."

A smile filled her face. "You did well Sam." She said. "You earned that degree." I smiled back at her. "Thanks." I said. "No need to thank me." She said. "It's true." I smiled and nodded. She was right. I did earn the degree. I worked hard for it. I did the impossible.

After all the congratulations had been exchanged, I decided I wanted to go home. Carly already had her degree, and I wanted to talk to her.

I was looking around to find Freddie or Spencer, when I suddenly saw a glimpse of short, blond hair. A jolt went through my body as I looked back. Our eyes met for no more than a second, but it was long enough.

Her bleached hair was short and messy and her skin was over tanned and wrinkled and her eyes were blue and dull. It was her, no doubt. I knew my mother when I saw her. But what was she doing here?

A hand touched my shoulder, and I jolted up again. "Yo, Sam, what's up?" Spencer asked. I sighed relieved. "Nothing. I'd like to go home now, is all. I want to see Carly." I told him. "Sure thing." Spencer said. "I'll get Freddie and his mom, then we'll be on our way."

I nodded vaguely and followed him through the crowd. Why was my mother here? What did she want? It made no sense for her to be here. Non.

If she loved me, then it would make sense. If she was sorry for what she'd done, it would be logical. But she didn't. Did she? No. She didn't. I was sure of that. I had to be sure of that. She couldn't be sorry, I didn't want her to be sorry. Maybe I didn't even want her to love me.

Maybe it was because I was afraid that, if I let her in, she was going to hurt me again.

But maybe not. Maybe it was just because it would mean I should forgive her. And I wasn't ready to do that, just yet.


	12. Don't care

**I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday, this chapter turned out to be much harder to write than I expected. I'm still not completely satisfied, but I'm posting it anyway... I hope you like it.**

 **Chapter 12.** -Don't care

 _The hardest part of acting like you don't care, is knowing how much you actually do._

 _~Author Unknown_

With an annoyed sigh I opened my eyes again. It was past midnight. I was tired, and I wanted to sleep. And I would have been asleep. If it hadn't been for Freddie, who was nervously bouncing his knee up and down. Constantly.

"Freddie could you please stop that?" I asked, loud enough to wake the dude sitting next to me. I didn't care. If I wasn't going to get any sleep; nobody was. "I can't help it, okay?" he said, still tapping his knee.

We were sitting at the airport, waiting for our delayed plane to Italy. Me, Freddie and Spencer were going to spend summer vacation with Carly and her dad. Just one little thing. Freddie had this terrible fear of flying.

"Freddie, relax! We're going to be fine, the plane isn't going to crash, there's no need to be afraid!" I tried to reassure him. But his knee didn't stop bouncing. "I know!" he said. "I still can't help it!"

I sighed. "Freddie..." "What?" he asked. "At least stop bouncing your knee so that I can sleep!" I said. Freddie through his hands in the air and sighed angrily. "Sam, you are unbelievable!" he yelled.

I sighed again. "Well, sorry, but it ain't my fault you're afraid! I just really want to sleep!" I whined. "Well, sorry to keep you awake!" he said angrily. "I'll stop annoying you, so as you can sleep, while I pee my pants!" he shouted.

"Hey!" the man sitting next to Spencer yelled. "Some people are trying to sleep here!" "Yeah man," somebody else said "can you pee your pants in silent?" I chuckled, while Freddie mumbled and apology.

I tried to fall asleep again, but within seconds Freddie began to bounce his leg again. I opened my eyes and sat up straight. "Alright. Looks like neither one of us is going to get no sleep, so... What can I do?" I sighed.

Freddie smiled tatty. "Thanks Sam." he said. From the seat next to Freddie came a loud snore. Spencer, of course. He could sleep through anything. Freddie and I shared a look, and immediately started laughing.

"Okay, okay." I said after a while, when I saw Freddie tapping his leg up and down again. "I know what you need. A little distraction! How about I beat you in rock - paper - scissors?" I offered. "Well I'd like to see you try." he answered. "Challenge accepted." I grinned.

I, of course, did beat him, and my distraction technic worked. His leg didn't start bouncing again once. Until the airplane finally arrived and we got a board. Then it started bouncing again -rapidly.

"Hey." I said. "Just a little hint, since you're losing all the time; I'm going to pick rock." Freddie grinned, but his leg didn't stop bouncing yet. "One, two, three..." I whispered before showing him my fist. -A rock.

Freddie, of course, also chose rock. "Dude!" I yelled. "I even said I was going to pick rock, what's the matter with you?" Freddie slammed his hand against his for head. "O my God, I thought it was a trick!" He said.

"Well, you should trust me a little more!" I laughed. "Okay, okay, okay." I said. "Let's try again. _Scissors_ , this time, Freddie." I articulated the word. "Scissors." I repeated. He laughed, but I tried to keep my face straight.

"One, two, three..." I shoved my flat hand forwards. Freddie had his hand balled up to a fist. "Come on, Sam!" he threw his hands in the air. I laughed out loud. "Haha, it was a trick this time, dude." I said.

Freddie said he was insulted, but his leg didn't bounce anymore. And I saw that as success. So now all that was left was for me to keep this going for about eighteen more hours. This was going to be a long flight.

"Freddie?" I whispered. In the seat across from me, Spencer was still sleeping soundly, as he had been the past three hours. "Are you awake?" Freddie opened his eyes. "Do you really think I could possibly sleep on an airplane?" he said. I grinned, but then got serious again. Freddie noticed.

"Is there something you want to talk about?" he asked. "Well, you see... It's just..." I started. "Hey," Freddie said. "you know you can tell me anything, right?" I smiled. "It's about my mom." I blurted. Fast, like when you rip off a band aid.

Freddie looked at me surprised. "I saw her." I said. " O..." Freddie did a really pour job at hiding his surprise. "Did you... Like, go visiting her at whatever clinic she lives now?" he asked. I shook my head. It was pretty dark in the plane, but Freddie sat close enough to me to see my face.

"She never went to a clinic." I said. Freddie knitted his brows. "But... Didn't my mom get some people to..." "She did." I cut him off. "My mom just didn't go with them. And since I didn't let your mom press charges against her for child abuse," I shivered at the thought. "They got nothing to force her."

Freddie laid his arm around my shoulders. I didn't slap him away. "She's an adult," I shrugged "so it's her own decision, as far as they're concerned." Tears started to burn behind my eyes. I pushed them away. "And I keep wondering, you know." I said.

"Did I make the right decision? What if something happens to her? And I could have prevented it? I mean, I could have, by threatening to press charges if she wouldn't go to an institution. Won't that make it, like, my fault?"

Freddie looked at me bewildered. "No." he shook his head. "No, of course not. She had the choice, hadn't she? You gave her a choice, and she chose. Don't ever think anything she does is your fault."

I looked into his eyes, and saw he actually meant it. I felt my cheeks getting hotter. I just hoped to god I wasn't blushing. "Thanks, Freddie." I mumbled. "No need to thank me. I wouldn't say it if it weren't true." He said. "Yes you would!" I smiled. "But, I know you mean it." I told him. "Well I do." he assured me.

For a moment I just looked at Freddie's face. We both gazed deeply into each other's eyes. Sometimes, I could not believe my luck to have such a wonderful friend.

I turned my head away. A friend. That was all he was –or ever would be.

"Now, I got to ask, when did you see her then?" he asked me. "Right. I almost forgot about that." I said. "She err, she came to our graduation, last week." Freddie lifted one eyebrow. "She did? Why didn't you tell us?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I guess it just... I was just... so shocked. I didn't know what to say." I said. "It's okay." Freddie said. "Just, what did she say?" I looked up. "She didn't say anything. We never spoke. I just said I saw her." I said.

"Then... Are you even sure it was her?" he asked. " Yes." I said determinedly. "Okay." We were both silent for a while. "I just keep wondering what she was doing there." I said. "Why would she come?"

"Well," Freddie started. "maybe she cares more about you than you think." he said. I bit my lip. Somehow that was not the answer that I had wanted to hear.

I took a deep breath. "Well I don't care about her."

 **I know this is story is Samcentic, but I was thinking to do one or two chapters from Carly's or Freddie's POV. Do you think that is a good idea?**


	13. Atelophobia

**I'm sorry I didn't update yesterday... again. I don't even have an excuse. Sorry.**

 **Chapter 13.** –Atelophobia

 _Atelophobia; the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough._

 _~From the Urban Dictionary_

Because of the turbulence, which really scared the pee out of Freddie -which was hilarious- the flight took about 18 and a half hours. And I think both me and Freddie actually slept part of that time. Spencer on the other hand, slept nearly the entire time. In fact, he only woke up once to do exactly two things.

One; eat airplane food –which is seriously gross, by the way, even I thought so! And two; set fire to it –which really wasn't that much of a problem to me since it was disgusting anyway, but, apparently, setting fire inside an airplane is a big deal.

Thankfully, Freddie made sure Spencer wouldn't get arrested, but he did have to pay a huge penalty, and the security guy sat next to him the entire rest of the flight.

The moment the airplane landed, Freddie raced out before everybody else. "Relax, nub!" I called after him. "We're already on the ground, we can't crash anymore!" Spencer, and even the security guard, started laughing, but none of it slowed Freddie even the tiniest bit down.

"Okay, wazzbags." I said. "Let's follow scaredy-cat over there, before we lose him in Milan." I chuckled. "Yeah..." Spencer said. "I seriously doubt Marissa will ever forgive me that..." I laughed. "Well, hurry up then!"

We hurried ourselves out of the plane, the security guard still closely at our heels. Freddie met us at the baggage line, he already got a hold of our bags. Spencer and I took a few from him, before all walking over to the main entrance. We had agreed to meet Carly and her boyfriend Antonio over there.

"Yo, Carly!" I yelled as soon as I saw her. She immediately came running up to us. I pulled her in a hug. "Sam! I missed you so much!" She cried. "I missed you too, cupcake." I said. Suddenly she loosened herself from my embrace.

"O my God. What's the security guard doing here? Sam! What did you do?" She yelled. "Nothing, I swear!" I said. Carly turned around, facing Spencer. "Spencer! Did you set the plane on fire?" She asked with a death glare.

"Just the cookies!" he whined. "Spencer!" She yelled. "I'm sorry!" he cried. "Err, in his defense, the cookies were disgusting." I said. Carly glared at me. "Sorry." I mumbled. "Well, anyway, Ms." The guard said. "He'll have to come with me. Nothing serious, just a few formalities."

Carly sighed. "Fine. Do you need anyone with you?" She asked. "Naah." Spencer said. "No need, I'll take a cab. I'll be home in no time." He assured us. "Okay then." Carly said. "But give me a hug before you go, I missed you!" Carly and Spencer hugged each other tightly before Spencer and the guard walked away.

"So, what do you say we go home and I make you all a good meal, yes?" Antonio asked with a huge Italian accent. "Yes!" I growled enthusiastically. "I haven't had decent food in almost twenty-four hours! And airplane food –that's just gross." I said. "Well, then let me take care of that!" Antonio said.

Antonio was, like, the best boyfriend ever. He was tall, handsome –he had real Italian looks- and a charmer. And on top of all that, he was studying on a cooking school. So that made even I liked him. Antonio was a welcome addition to our crazy little family.

A few hours later, after having eaten a well prepared meal, Carly and I found ourselves in her room, unpacking my bags. Well, it was really just Carly doing the unpacking. I was eating a fat cake. After having been silent for a little while, Carly suddenly spoke up. "You like Freddie, don't you?"

I nearly choked on my fat cake and Carly had to slap me on the back multiple times to bring me back. "Sam? You okay?" Carly asked. I took a deep breath. "Yeah, I suppose so." I said. "Carly, could you please not make these idiot jokes around me anymore? I don't think it's funny."

"It's not a joke." Carly said. "I've seen you around him, it's almost like you're back to the way you were when you guys were dating." "No it's not!" I claimed. "That'll _never_ happen again."

"Why not?" Carly asked. "You two like each other!" she said. "No. We. Don't." I spoke like I was explaining something to a toddler. "Yes. You. Do." Ha. Carly knew the trick. "Sam… Please. I've known you two forever, and I know how you guys act when you're in love –especially with each other." Carly said.

Just then it hit me. Carly spoke about you _guys._ And _each other._ As in plurality. She was claiming Freddie was in love with me, too. I didn't care about that. It didn't make my stomach twitch. It didn't make me want to scream like an idiot. I didn't care. Because it wasn't true. It couldn't be true.

Freddie couldn't like me. And I couldn't like Freddie. It couldn't be true. And therefore it wasn't.

"It's not true, Carly." I said. "Just… let it be, okay?" I should have known better. "Sam…" she said. "Hey. It's just me, remember? Now, I know you like him –we've been friends long enough for me to just know. So why won't you just say so? You know you can tell me anything."

I closed my eyes shut tight to push the upcoming tears away. "You like him, don't you?" Carly tried once more. "And so what if I did?" I suddenly snapped. "What does it matter? What difference does it make for me to tell you, except for that it breaks my heart to say it?" Hot, angry tears were flooding down my cheeks.

"So, yes, I like him. I'm in love with him." I cried. "It's true. Are you happy now?" I whispered. "Sam…" Carly carefully laid her hands on my shoulders. "Sam, where is all this coming from?" she asked softly. "Why are you so upset?"

I buried my face in my hands. "I don't know." I cried. "I'm sorry. I'm not angry with you. I'm not. I'm just…" I tried to swallow my tears, but they kept coming. "Hey… hey now… come, sit down." Carly gently pushed me down on the bed before wrapping her arms around my frame. I softly sobbed into her shoulders.

"This is so stupid." I sobbed. "It's not stupid Sam." Carly said with certainty in her voice. "Anything that makes you this upset can't be stupid." I unwrapped myself from her arms and wiped my cheeks. "Are you okay now?" Carly asked. I nodded. "Good. Now. Why are you so upset about this?" Carly asked softly.

I shrugged. "Now, come on." Carly said in warningly kind of voice. "There's got to be a reason. You said that it didn't matter –that it makes no difference. Why would you think that?" Tears filled my eyes again.

"Are you afraid that he doesn't like you back?" Carly whispered. Tears fell down my face and my breathing got heavier. Carly gently patted my back. "Cause, you don't have to be, you know. You don't. I know he loves you back. I just know."

I shook my head. "No he doesn't." I cried. "He couldn't." "Why not?" Carly asked bewildered. I shrugged again and looked away. "Because." I whispered. "Because what?" "Because we tried before. It didn't work out then either." My voice got softer and softer. "I just ain't good enough, I guess." I whispered, so soft you could barely hear it.

But Carly heard. "Sam, what are you talking about? What do you mean not good enough? You're the best damn person I've ever known!" Carly yelled. Carly never swore. This was serious business. "Underneath that thick skin of yours lays a heart of pure gold! And I love you, dammit!" Carly's eyes had filled themselves with tears, too.

"So don't you ever dare saying you ain't good enough, you hear me!" she cried. She pulled me in her arms and we both cried. "You're my best friend, and I love you. You're amazing, Sam. Please believe that." She whispered. "Please?" I slowly nodded into her shoulder.

But I wasn't quite sure yet if I could mean it.

 **Okay... that wasn't my best work. What did you think?**

 **Next chapter will be in Carly's POV. I hope it'll be up tomorrow, but I'm not promising.**


	14. Be brave

**Chapter 14** –Be brave

 _If someone has enough courage to ask a question seriously, then you should be brave enough to answer truthfully._

 _~Cameron Milton_

 **Carly's POV**

It hadn't taken too long for Sam to fall asleep. I quietly sneaked out of the bedroom and closed the door behind me. I just hoped Freddie was still awake. I wasn't sure when else I would be able to speak to him in private.

I walked over to the guestroom, which Freddie and Spencer shared. I stood in front of their door. Was I really going to do this? Should I? Was it my place to do this? I knocked on the door. I didn't know. But it didn't matter anymore. There was no going back from here.

Spencer opened the door. "Hey, kiddo, what's up?" he greeted me. "Hey Spence. Nothing. I just wanted to see Freddie. Is he still awake?" I asked. Spencer shrugged. "Don't know. Let's check." He walked over to Freddie's bed and kneeled next to his head.

He grabbed his shoulder and gently shook it. No response. "Hey." Spencer whispered. "Freddie." Still no response. "YO FREDDIE, ARE YOU AWAKE?" Spencer suddenly shouted into his ear. Freddie's eyes jolted open as he jumped up out of his bed.

"Dude!" he yelled. "What?" Spencer asked innocently. "Just wanted to know if you were awake." He mumbled. "Yeah, well, now I am!" Freddie said. "Good, I wanted to ask you something." I said. Freddie sighed and rubbed his eyes. "What is it?"

"Err, could you come downstairs with me?" I asked. Spencer and Freddie looked curiously at me. "Why, is it a secret?" Spencer asked disappointed. "No." I said. "It's just… not important. Just a little…" suddenly the best excuse hit me. "Girls thingy!" I said. "Make up and stuff. You wouldn't be interested."

"Well I'm not interested either!" Freddie said. "I don't care! Just come with me!" I grabbed Freddie's hand and dragged him out of the room, being stared at by Spencer. I shut the door behind us. "What was that all about?" Freddie demanded.

"Well it's not about make-up, that's for sure!" I said. "Praise the Lord!" Freddie said sarcastically. "I'm serious, Freddie! Let's go downstairs." "Fine." He started walking towards the stairs. "You better hope it's something worth waking me up for." He mumbled.

"Okay, for the record, I did not know Spencer was going to wake you up like that." I said. "He was just supposed to check whether or not you were awake." I didn't feel he needed to know that if Spencer hadn't woken him up, I would have.

"Fine." He mumbled. "Fine." I said. Freddie sat down on the couch. I dropped myself next to him. "Now what is it?" he asked impatiently. I took a deep breath. "Well, I don't really know whether or not it's my place to do this, I mean, I don't know if I should, but then again, I think I have to because…" Freddie cut me off.

"Carly! Please stop. It's very late and I cannot understand you when you ramble like that!" he said. "O. Sorry. I'm nervous I guess." I said. "Well, why don't you just tell me?" Freddie said softly. I took a deep breathe before spilling. "Do you like Sam?" It was a simple question, but the load it carried with it was so heavy.

Freddie just stared at me for a while. "Why? Why, does… does she? I mean…" he stuttered. "Does she like me?" Panic and confusion were written in his eyes. I wanted so badly to ease his mind. But I knew I couldn't betray Sam. I couldn't break my promise and tell him her secret.

"Do you?" I asked. The expression on his face changed into one of pain. "Yes." He whispered. "But it doesn't matter. I know she doesn't like me back." I had to control myself not to openly sigh. Honestly, what was the matter with these two?

"Why would you say that?" I asked. "Don't you think I've tried?" he whispered monotonously. "Every time I try to get closer to her, or look into her eyes… every time that I try to tell her how I feel, she…" his voice had turned into an almost inaudible whisper.

"She just… looks away. Or changes the subject." His eyes had gotten moisty and red, but he wasn't crying. I had to be careful with my words. "Have you ever thought of the possibility that, maybe, she's afraid too, that you wouldn't like her?" I asked softly.

His teary eyes looked at me, full of disbelief. "Did she tell you..?" I interrupted him. "Freddie, I'm not going to tell her that I spoke to you, so whether or not I spoke to her about this is really irrelevant right now."

What I didn't tell him was that I was also scared as hell for what would happen if Sam found out I even talked to Freddie about this subject –let alone if she found out I told him anything about her feelings.

"Anyway, I… I really think you should talk to her." I said. "I really, really do." Freddie slowly shook his head. "I don't know Carly. I don't know. What if she…" he shook his head again. "Just, please try. It'll really be worth it." Wondering if maybe I said too much, I looked into Freddie's eyes.

"Listen, I know it's scary to tell her. It really, really is. But, do you really have a choice? I mean, isn't life too short not to tell the truth? Too short to give up?" Hoping that maybe I had persuade him, I got up. "Well, I'm going to bed." I informed him.

"Think about it okay? Please don't give up." I pleaded one more time before walking away. Just before I left the room, I heard Freddie's whisper –maybe more to himself than to me.

"I won't. I won't give up on her."

 **Next chapter, Pam Puckett is coming back into Sam's life...**


	15. Stuck in between

**Sorry I didn't update in the past two days. It's just that my four angel/monster-cousins were staying with us. And, well... how do I say this nicely... they're tornado's. ;) I thought I'd be able to write once they'd gone to bed, but, truth is, once they finally did go to sleep I was just** ** _so_** **exhausted I had no energy left to do anything anymore.**

 **Okay, that's enough about my personal life. :p On with the story.**

 **Chapter 15** –Stuck in between

 _I'm stuck in between caring too much, and not caring at all._

 _~Author Unknown_

The days in Italy flew by, and Carly had not again mentioned the Freddie thing. Of course it hurt to finally acknowledge it, but that didn't spoil the lovely time I had with my family. Yet we hadn't been with them for two weeks yet, when our vacation was rudely interrupted.

It was a calm afternoon. Antonio had just left after making us a wonderful late breakfast, and Carly's dad was showing Spencer some Milan's art-thingy. Carly was teaching Freddie some Italian words, while I was watching TV. And just for a few seconds, I actually felt at ease. I almost felt like, for once, things were going smoothly.

It was at this moment that my cellphone started ringing. I checked caller ID before picking up, but it showed an unknown number.

"Hello?" I said. "Hello. Am I speaking to Samantha Puckett?" the voice on the other side of the line asked. "Yep, that's the one." I said. "This is the Northwest Hospital from Seattle. This is about your mother, Pamela Puckett. She was just brought in here this morning."

I immediately sat up straight. "My mom? What's wrong with her?" I asked, even though I knew perfectly well what the answer would be. Carly and Freddie quickly gathered around me, a concerned look on both their faces.

"I'm so sorry. She's in coma. She's had an alcohol overdose." The voice said. I closed my eyes. "Of course she had." I whispered sarcastically. "She had what?" Carly whispered, bursting with curiosity. I ignored her. "Who found her?" I asked.

"A neighbor." The voice told me. "Thankfully, she passed out in the garden. The woman living next to her saw her laying there." "Is she going to die?" I asked flatly. "We don't know." The voice said, seemingly unimpressed by my dullness. "Right now she's got about fifty percent chance. But we're doing everything we can." I was ensured.

"We do need you to get here as fast as you can." The voice said. "Right." I said. "Well I'm in Italy at the moment, but I'll get on the very next plane." I promised. "That's good." The voice said. "But in the meantime, do you have another relative who could take you're place as Power of Attorney, to make a few smaller -yet urgent decisions?"

I shook my head, before realizing that she could of course not see me. "No." I said quickly. "I don't have any other relatives. I wouldn't know who to ask for that." I said. "My mom!" Freddie hissed. "My mom can check in on her!"

"One sec." I said, before placing my hand over my phone. "Freddie, they need someone to make decisions! I'm the Power of Attorney –they need a replacement till I get there!" I told him. "Well my mom can do that!" he said. "She's a nurse, she knows a lot about this stuff, she can do this."

"Yeah, but would she want to?" I asked. "Of course!" Freddie said. "I'm sure she won't mind at all." "Okay." I said quickly before putting my phone back to my ear. "Hi, I'm back." I said. "Listen, I found someone who can do it, I'll give you someone who's going to tell you her phone number."

I handed over my cellphone to Freddie. "Here, I'll call your mom in the meantime." I said, grabbing Freddie's phone from the table. While Freddie rambled up his mom's phone number, I started searching through his contacts.

"Sam! What's the matter?" Carly almost exploded with curiosity. "My mom's in the hospital. Overdose alcohol." I wasn't going to waste any more time explaining.

After both the hospital and a more than cooperative Mrs. Benson had both hung up, we started making arrangements to leave. "I'm going to go packing." I informed them. "Freddie, could you please get me the earliest ticket to Seattle?" "Sure." He nodded.

"Get two!" I heard Carly say before she followed me up the stairs.

"Carly, you don't have to come if you don't want to" I said while emptying 'my' closet. "Of course I want to!" she said. "Carly…" I started, but she cut me off. "I'm coming –no discussion." I smiled at the certainty of my best friend. "Thanks kid." I said.

After a little while, all three of us met in the living room again. Freddie had also brought his bag. "So, the very next flight goes this afternoon at three. Now that's in two hours, so we got to hurry. Carly, we should call Spencer and your dad, tell them to come home right now." He said.

Carly grabbed her cellphone. "You call Spencer. I'm calling Antonio." She walked away to inform her boyfriend about her sudden departure. Freddie sighed before picking up his own cellphone. "Freddie, why is your bag packed?" I asked.

"I'm coming with you." He said. "There were three tickets left –I bought all of them." He told me. "Why?" I asked. Not out of sarcasm or anything –but pure out of curiosity. He shrugged. "I want to be with you right now." I looked the other way. "Thanks, but it really wasn't necessary."

"Sam, your mom was taken to the hospital. She's in coma! It's okay to be sad –even for you." He said. "I'm not sad!" I snapped. "I don't care about her!" It was silent for a few seconds. "I'll call Spencer." I told him.

Once they had been contacted, it didn't take Spencer and his father long to get home. And before I knew it, we were at the airport already, waiting for the plane to take us back to Seattle.

"O, Sam, I really wish I could come with you!" Spencer said. "I'll be there soon –I'll take the very next flight." I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to. That I didn't need any support or –worse- pity. That I didn't like my mom anyway, and that I wasn't at all affected. But all I could do was just lean into his embrace and try to hold back the tears.

Carly kissed her boyfriend goodbye, before hugging her father and brother. "I'll miss you guys! See you soon!" she said. "Carly, come on. We're leaving." Freddie said. And we left. But as I went into the airplane, Freddie wasn't the only one with feeble knees, this time.

Carly had immediately taken the only window seat of the three chairs, which were thankfully all next to each other, leaving me and Freddie to sit next to one another once again. I went to sit in the middle, leaving Freddie to sit on the aisle.

Just before takeoff, Freddie grabbed my hand. "Hey. We're here for you okay? It's okay to be a little sad." I tried to cut him off, but he wouldn't let me. "Now don't try to tell me again that you don't care!" he wiped my cheek. "Cause people who don't care, don't cry." He whispered. I tried to roll my eyes at him, but it only triggered more tears.

"Sam, we love you. We're not judging you. I just want to tell you that we're here for you." He paused for a second. "I'm here for you." I smiled just a little. "Thanks, nub." I whispered.

His eyes twinkled beautifully as he smiled at me. My first urge was to pull back, but for some reason I didn't. Instead, I laid my head on his shoulder. I closed my eyes, to push the tears away. Why was I crying, anyway? Not because of my mother. Because I didn't care about my mother.

I couldn't care about her. It was too dangerous for me too care about her. After all, she was family. _My_ family. And my family never stuck around.

 **:O Pam Puckett is back! What will happen? ;)**


	16. The pain

**Chapter 16.** –The pain

 _The pain is not on the day of missing our dear ones. The pain is really when you live without them, and with the presence of them in your mind._

 _~Author Unknown_

The taxi ride to the hospital seemed to take forever. Yet when we finally got there it was too soon. I didn't want to go inside. I stopped before the big, main entrance. I shook my head. I tried to say something, but the words just wouldn't come.

"Sam?" Carly said. I shook my head again. "Come on Sam. We have to go inside." She said. I knew that. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't face my mom. I couldn't take care of her properly. I couldn't deal with the memories this would trigger. I knew what I had to do. I just couldn't do it.

"Carly," Freddie said "Why don't you go inside? Meet my mom? We'll be there in a minute." Carly started to pout, and for a moment it seemed like she was going to argue. But she didn't. She patted my shoulder before turning around, and entering the building.

"Sam." He whispered. "I know this is hard. Believe me, I do." He said. "I know you do." I assured him. And he did. Sort of. He knew about the memories a hospital –a dying person- could trigger. But there where things he didn't know about.

He didn't know about my mom –about the pain it caused me just to think about her. He didn't know what it was like to be responsible for a dying woman. He didn't know what it was like not to know whether you should get down on your knees and pray to God that she'll survive –or to spit in her face and tell her to go to hell. –Literally.

"I miss Melanie." I whispered. "She would have done this so much better than me. She was always better than me." Tears were streaming down my eyes. Suddenly Freddie wrapped his arms around me, and I pressed my face into his chest.

"Don't you ever say that." He whispered. "You're amazing, Sam. You're amazing, and I love you. Don't ever think otherwise." He let go of me, and looked into my eyes. "Now, Sam, I know you can do this. I believe in you. Now all you ought to do is believe in yourself."

I stared deeply into his deep, dark eyes. Desperately trying to decide whether or not he was telling the truth. But suddenly I couldn't. I couldn't believe those eyes would lie. "Freddie, if you believe in me, then I can do it." I said. A smile filled his face. "Just… just don't leave me, okay?" I whispered.

He shook his head. "I wouldn't have left, anyway." He said. "But I'm really glad you asked me to stay." He grabbed my hand and, together, we went inside.

After meeting Carly and Mrs. Benson in the waiting room, Freddie and I were following a nurse to my mother's room. Only two persons at the time were allowed in. I picked Freddie.

Mrs. Benson had seemed rather confused by my choice, but Carly had smiled brightly. I tried to ignore both women's facial expressions as I walked through the gray hallways. "Here it is, Miss Puckett." The nurse, who was maybe five years older than me, told us.

"Be prepared, tough." She said in a soft tone of voice. "She's in bad shape." Freddie nodded and thanked her, while I opened the door. There she was. My mom. She looked terrible. The nurse was saying something about the doctor coming soon, but I ignored her.

All I could see were the tubes sticking out of her body, leading to infusions and big, beeping machines. All I saw was her blonde hair, which fell lamely over her way too pale face. Her closed eyes and dry lips, which all looked way too familiar.

Just for a moment, it wasn't my mom in the bed. It was Melanie. _Her eyes were closed and her mouth was dry. Her skin had a sickly white color. That is, at the places it wasn't bruised_ _or wounded. There were no tubes, no machines._

 _It was too late for tubes and machines. Or doctors and medicines. She was asleep. She slept peacefully. We should go. I thought. We shouldn't wake her._ I remember thinking. _Because, she had to be sleeping, right?_

 _Death. That was just so… so far away. So unreal. So not Melanie._ The image changed back to my mom. I imagined her without the tubes. Without the machines. I imagined she was sleeping. _Just like Melanie._ I shook my head. "No." I whispered. "No, not like Melanie."

I walked towards her bed. I couldn't touch her. I wanted to, I just couldn't. "Mom, you're going to survive. You can't go. You can't leave me." I whispered. I felt my cheeks getting wet. I felt Freddie's arm sliding over my shoulders.

"Don't make me go through this again, mom." I whispered. "Don't leave me, don't leave me alone. I'll be all alone." My mouth shaped the words, but my voice wouldn't make a sound. I hugged Freddie tightly. I didn't cry. I didn't speak. I just held him. I just needed to hold him.

The door opened soundlessly. We were startled by the sound of somebody clearing their throat. I quickly loosened myself from Freddie's grip and wiped my cheeks. "I'm sorry to disturb you." The man in the white coat said. "This must be very hard."

I didn't correct him.

"Miss Puckett?" he assumed. I nodded. "My name is Dr. Griffin Hunter. I am you're mother's doctor." He shook both our hands. "I understand you will be taking place as her Power of Attorney." He said to me. I just nodded. I was a little scared my voice would break if I spoke.

"Well, in that case I'll need to talk to you. We could have a private conversation about your mother's condition and treatment in my office. We could do this right now, or later if you need a little more time." He said.

I shook my head. "Right now is fine." I whispered. I cleared my throat. "Can I take a few people with me?" I asked. The doctor smiled. "Well, that depends. How many people were you planning to take with you?" he asked.

"Three." I said. "Freddie here, his mom and my best friend. They're waiting for us in the lobby." "Alright." Dr. Hunter said. "But four is definitely the max!" I tried to smile. "Thank you." I said.

All four of us gathered in the doctor's office, and all three of them saw me cry when doctor Hunter pointed out my mother's small surviving's chance, and the difficulty of her treatment. But that was okay. Because they loved me.

And they wouldn't judge me.

 **Okay, I'm actually quite happy with this chapter. What did you all think?**


	17. Fading roses

**You probably figured it out already, but I just wanted to say that I do not have any medical background what so ever. So, if I make any mistakes, I'm sorry.**

 **Chapter 17.** –Fading roses

 _The redness was going out of the light now, the remains of the day were a fading pink, the color of wild roses._

 _~Stephen King_

That night, Carly and I were lying in bed, in Spencer's house. Freddie had gone home with his mother. It was late, but I couldn't sleep. "I miss her." I suddenly said. "She would have known exactly what to do in this situation." I smiled. "In every situation, really. She was smart like that."

"She really was." Carly agreed. "She was amazing. I'm sure she would have been really proud at you. At how you're handling this." She said. "Thanks." I whispered. "I mean it." She said. "I know." I said. We fell asleep in each other's arms.

 _I was wearing a plain, black dress with a pair of Carly's black heels underneath them. I wasn't crying. I couldn't cry. I forgot how to. Two white coffins were standing in the middle of the church, decorated with roses. Melanie loved red roses._

 _I looked to my side, but my mom wasn't there. I was alone. I stood up to look for her. I ran down the graveyard, trembling on my heels. I was running towards Melanie's grave. But when I came there, it wasn't the same._

 _There were two gravestones, now. One of them was Melanie's. I knew because it was filled with red roses. They were her favorite. I knew because I put them there. I brought her one every week. On the other grave, lay just a single rose. A pink one. A faded one._

 _It was my mother's grave. I knew because she loved pink roses. I knew because the last one I had ever brought her, must've been long faded by now. I fell down on my knees. I was alone. All alone. My sister left me. My mother left me._

 _And when all was said and done, I was left with nothing. But the fading roses on their graves._

I jolted awake and sat up straight. A dream. A dream. It had been a dream. "Sam?" Carly mumbled. "What's up?" I steadied my breathing. "Nothing. I just had a bad dream." I said. Carly rubbed her eyes. "What was it about?" she asked.

I shook my head. "Just… Nothing." I took another deep breath. "I'm tired, let's just go back to sleep okay?" I said. "Okay." Carly said. I turned around and closed my eyes, knowing there was no way I'd get anymore sleep now.

I waited a few hours, till I was absolutely sure Carly had gone back to sleep, before I sliding out of bed and leaving the room. My phone told me it was six o'clock in the morning. Not even Carly's alarm clock was awake yet.

But I didn't mind. I could use the quiet time, honestly. I loved my friends. And I was sure there was no way I could ever make it through this without them. But every now and then, I needed some time alone. I needed some time to think.

I went into the kitchen to make myself some breakfast. Differently from when Melanie had just died, I was actually hungry now. Last night I had been so tired –I skipped dinner and went straight to bed. Last time I had eaten something, had been on the plane.

And that didn't really count as food, so the last time I had had a decent meal had been way too long. I decided to go with bacon-pancakes and fat cakes –my favorite kind of breakfast.

As the pancake batter sputtered in the hot pan, I heard my cell phone buzz a single time. I grabbed my phone to read the text message. **_From: Spencer._** **Hey Sam! I finally booked my flight to Seattle, it's leaving at six tomorrow morning –Italian time. So, I'll be there around midnight. See you soon!**

Since its eight hours earlier in America, he would leave tonight at ten, and be here around two PM tomorrow. I didn't send him anything back. Because it was so expensive, we avoided phone calls and text messages to and from Italy as much as possible.

I quickly flipped the pancake, which was starting to burn. I was able to eat my breakfast in piece, before Carly woke up.

I spend the day at the hospital. Carly went with me in the morning, and Freddie would take over in the afternoon. I got the feeling that they had some kind of planning going on –you go with her today, I'll take her tomorrow –like that.

But I didn't care. I honestly didn't. I told them that I didn't need anybody to come with me. But I knew I was lying, and so did they. I did needed somebody there with me. Just like I knew my mom needed me there with her.

The doctor told me that I wasn't needed to be there all the time. Now that her treatment had been discussed, it was really just a matter of waiting and hoping. The nurses would check in on her every few minutes, and the machines would know if anything was wrong.

I knew I didn't have to be at the hospital the whole day. But I couldn't. I couldn't stay away, knowing she could be dying in there. She couldn't hear me, couldn't see me, couldn't know that I was there. But that was okay. Because I knew.

I wasn't sure yet if I could really love her again. I wasn't sure yet if I dared to. But I knew for sure that I cared about her. Even if I didn't want to. I just did. And to me, that meant I was enquired to care _for_ her. So I sat there, all day long.

Carly and Dr. Hunter did make me go home at nights. But only with the promise that, if anything was wrong –or if her condition just slightly changed –even if it meant nothing at all –even if it was the middle of the night, they'd call me immediately. And I'd be there for her.

I didn't know who I did it for, really. Whether I did it for my mom, for myself or for Melanie. But I had to. Because I couldn't let another member of my family slip through my fingers. With Melanie, there'd been nothing I could have done. But now, there was. There was something. Even if it made no difference, I could still _do_ something.

And I made sure that I did everything possible.

Around six that evening, Dr. Hunter found it time for us to go home. While Freddie gathered our stuff, I went to sit with my mom one last time. I took her hand gently in mine. "We have to go now mom." I whispered. "But Dr. Hunter and the nurses are going to take real good care of you tonight. And tomorrow, when this place opens again, I'll be back, okay?"

She couldn't hear me, Dr. Hunter told me. Some coma patients could, but her condition was differently, somehow, he said. It didn't stop me from speaking to her tough. Heck, I still spoke to Melanie when I visited her grave. It was just as easy, really. Speaking to people, when you knew they couldn't hear what you said.

"I miss Melanie, mom. I miss her a lot. I know you must, too. She would have handled this all way better than I ever will. But I'm trying, mom, I really am." Tears were burning behind my eyeballs. "Just, don't die on me, okay? I couldn't stand to lose you to."

I paused for a few seconds. "I'm going to go now. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I laid her hand back on the bed, next to her body before standing up. Then, without giving myself the time to think about it, I bowed my head over hers, and kissed her temple.

I turned around then, walking over to the door, and closing it behind Freddie and myself. We both kept silent while exiting the hospital, neither knowing how -nor wanting- to discuss the current situation.

It wasn't until we were both seated inside his car, that we began speaking again. "So, you and Carly both weren't exactly enthusiastic about the hospital food this afternoon." Freddie started. "The hell we weren't!" I said. "And I thought airplane food was gross."

Freddie smiled. "Right! So, I thought, maybe, now you'd like to get some real food? Somewhere?" His hands were nervously tapping the steering wheel. I bit my lip before answering. "Okay." I said quickly. "You'd like to get some pizza, or something?"

"Sure." He said. "Let me text Carly we're not going to make it for dinner." I knew Carly would be a bit disappointed that we hadn't warned her earlier –now she would be stuck with a lot of leftovers. But she wouldn't mind too much. We could take them with us tomorrow. So we wouldn't have to eat the food the hospital provided.

And besides, she was the one who told me to get together with Freddie in the first place –she'd be nothing but happy to hear that we were going out tonight. I mean, that would be Carly's interpretation. Of course we weren't really going out.

We were just to friends, who were going to get a pizza together. No big deal.

 **So, next chapter will be the last one. :( I already have something written for it, and I just feel that this should be my stopping point.**

 **I was thinking about, maybe, writing a sequel?**


	18. Today

**So, school has started again. I'm sure that will explain my ridiculously late update. :p No, seriously, it's my exam year, so... yeah. LOTS of homework. Anyway, this is the last chapter of 'No matter what'. :'( I hope you will enjoy.**

 **Chapter 18.** –Today

 _Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift from God. Which is why we call it the present._

 _~Bill Keane_

Freddie and I had fun that night. The pizzas were delicious, and the little place Freddie had picked out was very cozy. I even let Freddie pay the bill, after he insisted on doing so. We drove back home at eight PM.

When we got there, Carly was nowhere to be seen. There was a little note on the coffee table. _'Went to the movies with Gibby'_ I read out loud. _'Back around ten.'_ "Okay." Freddie said. "Would you like me to stay till she's home?" he asked.

"You really don't have to." I said, shaking my head. "O, I know. But I want to." He said. "Then, I'd like it, too." I smiled. "Good." He smirked.

We sat down on the couch, unsure of what to say. At the restaurant, we'd been able to discuss the food, the restaurant itself and even who was going to pay the bill. But at home, it was much harder to keep things breezy.

"Do you want coffee?" I asked. "Yeah, I'd like some." Freddie nodded. "I'll make some." I said. I stood up and left for the kitchen, wondering why I hadn't just told him to go home –no, I'm tired, some other time, okay?

But the knot tying my stomach had convinced me to do otherwise. I walked back into the living room, holding two steaming cups of the dark beverage. "This one's yours." I said, handing him a cup. Freddie liked his coffee with sugar only. I liked my coffee with milk only. Carly still drank only DE coffee. She couldn't stand the bitter taste of the actual stuff.

With slow, tiny sips we each drank our coffee, saying nothing, while time crawled by. "Sam?" Freddie said after a while. "Yes?" I said. "I think we need to talk." I counted the words. Six. Six harmless little words, which could be o so scary when brought together.

"Why?" I asked emotionlessly. Freddie swallowed audible. "Sam, this really isn't easy for me to bring up." He said. "And, this is quite possible the worst timing ever, too. But, I guess, no timing ever is perfect."

I felt a cold shiver sliding along my backbone. Goosebumps appeared all over my skin. I heard how Freddie took a deep breath. "Sam, I like you." He spilled. Quickly. Like when you rip off a band aid. I shook my head. "No Freddie." I whispered. "Please don't do this."

He moved closer to me and grabbed my hands. "Why not, Sam?" he asked softly. "What are you so afraid of?" I closed my eyes. "Sam, you can't just pretend this doesn't exist." He said. "I love you! I want to be with you! And I think that's what you want, too, isn't it?"

He waited for me to answer. Ten whole seconds, he waited. I know because I counted. And I waited. "Well, isn't it?" he whispered. I shook my head again. "Freddie, just, please don't do this." I begged. "Why?" he asked. "Why not? If you just give me one reason why I should back off, I will." He said.

"If it's because you don't love me back, tell me. I'll go away. If it's because you're not ready right now, because there's so much going on, tell me. I'll wait. But if it's just because you're afraid… Then, no. I just can't accept that." Tears had appeared in his eyes as well.

I wished I could say that I didn't love him. That I could give him a reason to leave, and never come back. But I couldn't. I tried to say it. But I couldn't. My mouth wouldn't open. My voice wouldn't speak. Nothing. Just one look in his eyes made me incapable of lying. I just couldn't.

"I do love you Freddie." I whispered. I felt myself getting sick, but I didn't stop. Not now. "I really do. But I can't. I just can't, okay?" I said. "Then tell me why." Freddie said determinedly. I tried to speak. I really did. I tried to tell him.

I wanted to say that, yes, I was afraid. I was afraid that I wasn't good enough for him. That he'd get sick of me. I was afraid to get attached to him. That he'd hurt me. That he'd leave me, someday. And that I wouldn't be able to handle that. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that.

But I couldn't. I couldn't speak, or move, or do anything, really. My body just refused to cooperate. So I cried. I cried my eyeballs out. I cried till I had no more tears to cry.

Freddie carefully wrapped his arms around me. When I didn't stop him, -I didn't know how to stop him- he pulled me in his lap. I rested my head against his chest. This was wrong. This was all wrong. This wasn't what was supposed to happen at all.

But I couldn't stop it anymore.

Slowly, my tears ran dry. And, slowly, I calmed down again. Freddie stroke my hair. "Just, what are you so afraid of, Sam?" he whispered. And I decided to tell him.

"I loved Melanie, and she left me. I loved my mom, and she hurt me. How can I know that won't happen to you?"

Freddie sighed. "You can't." he said. "I can't promise you that I'm not going anywhere –as much as I would want to. I could die tomorrow. Or I could live another seventy years. I don't know. But as long as I can, I'll stay. I can't promise you that I'll never hurt you, either –as much as that would hurt me, too.

"But, if I ever do, I'll move heaven and earth to make it up to you. No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow. That's why we live today. And, today, we're together and we love each other. Let's make the most of that."

And, in my heart, I knew that he was right. I loved Freddie. And he loved me back. I couldn't throw that away out of fear I'd someday lose it.

I decided that I'd never again waste such precious time. I turned my head sideways, and kissed Freddie. Within seconds, we had to stop tough. We were both smiling to widely to continue. I laid my head on his shoulder, while he held his arms safely wrapped around my body.

"I love you Sam." He said. "I love you too, Freddie." I said.

And I knew that it wasn't _over_. It wasn't _alright_. My life was still a mess. And I still had no idea what tomorrow would bring me. I didn't know if my mom would die, and leave me behind. Or -if she'd live- if she would hurt me again. I didn't know if Freddie would stay with me forever –or anyone who I loved, really.

But I also knew that that didn't matter. Because whatever was happening now, or ever would happen in the future, I could be happy anyway. Because I had no other choice as to live today. And today good things were happening, too –despite of all the nasty things that were happening.

And I knew that they still would, every today yet to come.

I was done _pretending_ to be.

I was happy.

 **I realize this is not the end of Sam's story. But it is the end of the part I'm writing down.**

 **There are still a lot of problem's in her life that haven't been solved yet. Like her mom, her insecurities, her fears. Her story isn't by far over yet. But things are going the right way. And I would like to leave it at that.**

 **I hope you enjoyed reading 'No matter what'. I know I enjoyed writing it. And a big thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed, favorited, or even just read. It means a lot to me.**

 _ **The end.**_


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